Thoughts on Turning 30

Some people think I'm doing this thing backwards, but I'm just doing what I said I would do. I always said I would follow the desires of my heart. Do what I wanted to do, and it just so happens that the output changes at times, but never the vision or the dream. I will not disclose my vision and dream to mere strangers, who lack the discipline of their emotions enough to provide consistent positive energy my way. I, too, am human and understand our ways. Yet, I digress and refer to one of my favorite poems by Robert Frost entitled, "The Road Less Traveled" :

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveller, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I--
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference

I love this poem because it shows how the "traveller" had to decide on which path to take. In life, we have to make decisions everyday, sometimes, not realizing the magnaminity of them. I followed all the rules to get where I am only because I believed my teachers when they said, "if you get an education, you can be whatever you want to be" Well, that sold me! I was in hook, line and sinker. All my energy from that point was focused on getting the education that would permit me to "be whatever I wanted to be" and what did I want to be more than anything?....Free And so far, I am not disappointed. It just took some sacrifices along the way to create the world I imagine for me. If Education is Truth and the Truth sets people free, then why do people feel the opposite at their jobs? Thats how I felt. IfI have all these degrees and so-called "education" then why am I following rules that I don't like or make little sense? This isn't what I desire? This isn't the life that I had in mind when I was a little girl. God promises us abundant life and the desires of our heart, so what was I doing wrong? This is when I arrived at my most difficult fork in the road and chose the path less traveled.

I used to follow all the rules. I used to adhere to society's programmed plan of life. You know, go to school, college, get degrees, car, career, house, marriage, kids, etc. Now, I have acquired most of these "things," what does that mean? What is the significance of having "things"? I have everything except the marriage and kids, but even lacking those things many of my friends felt I "had it all together." Yet, the acquisition of these things still left me wanting for something else. Something I could not put my finger on for some time until I took time to remember who I was.

We tend to forget the true desires that GOD placed in us. I made myself think back to my childhood. What was it that I wanted to be? When I was in grade school, I desired to be (in no particular order) a comedian, a writer, a dancer/choreographer (like Debbie Allen) and/or a child psychiatrist. Do you know what career I chose to do out of that list? None of the above. I became an educator, a teacher. However, I still use those talents such as comedy, choreography, writing and my psychology classes in teaching. It actually makes the job easier. I bring myself into the job. I am the job that no one else can duplicate. I made myself so marketable, so indispensible that it creates a hole once I leave because I made it better than what it was. We should always leave things or people better than how we found them. That is the true mark of your legacy. I have always been conscious of my story. Maybe because I'm a writer, but I want to leave a story that will help others after my time on this earthly realm. I know that may sound arrogant, but few people do that. Some people follow the rules so much that we forget to be ourselves.We become the restrictions of our life opposed to becoming the very thing that we desire. Odd, huh? We all do it, I did it. I became tired of trying to fit in the same cookie-cutter mold as everyone else. I never cared about "fitting in", but as we become adults, its almost assumed that you will do certain things to be accepted. So I refuse, and that can cause some to be confused when it seems that I had it all, but thats not what I desired. Wants and desires are different. They are different words. We want different things everyday, but desires are placed in you by GOD so they are consistent from birth. Yet, society and school conditions us to compete for jobs that make money opposed to lifestyles that would lead to true happiness. Therefore, I diverge. My ways are not usually my own because desires are what GOD placed in us at conception so how can anyone take what GOD has gifted me?

I believe in the promises, blessings and authority that GOD has given man, so I use them faithfully and responsibly. It is the presence of fear that leads to defeat, so I had to shed myself of what was "safe" and do what I desired.....to be free of a life that wasn't me. I didn't want to be confined to a classroom or building when true education and learning is gained though experience. Everywhere I go, I am an educator. That is apart of who I am. I accept that and carry it with me, but its not all of who I am. I am so much more than the compartmentalized mentality that many of us have. My GOD cannot be confined since he is alpha and omega, and if we are made in HIS image, then how can I, too, be confined, when we as humans are meant to grow and learn and become wiser--ever changing. When I realized my power, I regained my confidence in me. The fearless little girl I once was with dreams and ideas and hope and resilence returned. She said, "crystal it's time to leave." And although I didn't want to relocate at that time, it was definitely the time to do something so I wouldn't fall back into my comfortable routine.

In retrospect, the reason I left my first two experiences after college was not because I didn't love it there; I was getting too comfortable too early in life. I don't call them jobs because they were more like experiences where I was blessed to have supervisors who treated me like an apprentice, and allowed me to grow. I have a lot of respect for Marc E. Willis and LaVaughn Bridges my supervisors from my time at STAX Music Academy and Melrose High School, respectively. Leaders who allowed me to be one, in good times and not so good times.Now, leaving both places was difficult because when I am into a project or "experience" I'm am 100% or I'm not at all. I felt my heart was longing for something that I had but couldnt see. I knew there were a whole lot of other things I desired and sometimes we allow comfort and things to make us forget our purpose. The evil one has all kind of distractions. Some can have it all and not get distracted. Its called discipline. My exodus to Houston helped me to regain my discipline, my focus, my connection to GOD.

Oddly, when I decided to relocate, I'd just began to date the love of my life. I left Memphis and him to find me. I didn't know how the me I desired to find would return to him, but I knew that anything worth having is worth fighting for, so I took the chance to save me. I was alone in Houston. New job, new students, new apartment, new city, no boyfriend and old me. I drove the ten hours to Memphis every month. Not necessarily because I wanted to but I had to. I didn't know love could do this to me. Remember, this was the one thing that I didn't have--love, marriage and kids---not that I was rushing to have the marriage and kid part, but God will give you the desires of your heart when you are obedient. And my presence in Houston was meant for me. It was apart of my obedience to God and if I could weather that year long storm, then I would be worthy of my big dreams and desires. I guess, it took God to move me ten hours and two states away for me to realize how much I desired love and companionship. It took this experience for me to sacrifice things I wouldn't have if I stayed in Memphis. It wasn't until HE took everything that I could see anything HE was trying to tell me. Although I wanted different, I wasn't behaving differently. Yet, when all my comforts were taken away from me, I quickly realized what was missing---love.

The death of my oldest sister changed me. She practically raised me when I was a little girl. Her death left a void that was so large that nothing seemed to fill it. It was like the space phenomenon of the Black Hole. Like a vortex, but nothing could satisfy its longing. I didn't realize how much Love she put into my life until she was gone. All the education, jobs, freedom and even going "clubbing" couldn't fill this hole. I tried doing every and anything to feed this desire, but nothing worked. I was too closed. My heart was closed and no matter how hard I tried I couldn't open up. It only devoured due to its fear of having nothing, which only left me with more nothing. I call my move to Houston, my exodus, because it was my time away for fine tuning. God had to break and remake me, so I could be the person HE'd invested into creating for this world. Like the story of Jonah, either I was going to do HIS will or be eaten up by my own pain and disobedience.

So, I chose Love. When I met my Patrick, I didn't think it would be him. Yet, it was God who provided him with the sustanance to feed me real food that would heal that Black Hole. I was so accustomed to men who took the Road Frequently Traveled that their words could not keep me. I was at the point where I knew the path of those who followed the rules of this society, so I desired someone who was speaking my same language. Someone who, like me, was free of the constaints of societel rules. Someone who found joy in serving others. Someone who was able to help me achieve the desires of my heart because ours are one in the same. Someone who was as fearless as I was. His Love fed me and taught me. It is through him that I am learning how to love and what love really is. Its not the things that movies and fairytales suggest, but the real things that keep you connected to GOD. I know many, even him, didn't fully understand my reasons for leaving. Even though my decision led to unforeseen events and not so good decisions on both sides, I know GOD meant if for our GoOD. As we overcame these hurdles it brought us closer. What GOD has let no man put asunder. I am grateful for the spontaneous ride with him than to have a predictable life with someone safe.

Some thought I was trying to "get with" someone else, but anyone who knows me knows that type of thinking is so low on the chakra levels that what I desired was bigger than some mortal--please. Although it may be enough for some people, Sex never kept me long. I require more and I let any man attempting to be in my world know that if he lacks the energy and intellect to communicate with me, then he'll never have me. I've noticed the more I'm connected to GOD, the less I feel the wants of the flesh. Having sex should be an act that allows the couple to connect with GOD because it should be through Love that the act is performed. If it lacks that openness, then it will be a waste of time and energy. Sex should have a purpose higher than the flesh. If we look at the act of sex as man giving information to the woman during intercourse,then what information is your man giving you? How is he feeding you, helping you to achieve your goals and dreams? If that act isn't helping you to that end, then you are having purposeless sex, which can be considered sinful and leave you feeling empty. Opposed to a man and woman having sex with a purpose and goal in mind, which will lead to glorify GOD. If you cannot make and maintain eye contact during intercourse and feel the other person's thoughts and ideas inside you, then you're having purposeless sex. A waste of energy that you could exert somewhere else. This is why in many sports, coaches advise their athletes to abstain from sex before a big game. The act deplenishes you of energy that is a waste if the act of sex lacks purpose designated by the man and woman committing the act. Reserve your energy for someone worthy of it and your time.

Now back to my thoughts.....This decision of finding me almost caused me to lose him. I fought like nobody's business because Love like this doesn't happen often. Some women thought I was stupid because of all that I had accomplished on my own, but that was it. I had accomplished what many hope to do, and it still wasn't satisfying. I had established security, which is what most people struggle to have, but I desired so much more. I had those things because I followed all the rules from the onset. My friends & family who had children before they finished their "education" were a little jaded about my decision only because they regret the decisions they made early in life. While they were cutting school, having sex, experimenting with drugs and alcohol, I was focused on what my teachers told me in elementary: "if you get an education, you can be whatever you want to be." Now, that I have what many hope to have, I am Free to truly navigate my options in life. When I finally do settle down, I would have done all that I wanted because I did it my way and no one elses.

I have grown so much in the past five years, even more in the last year. Being alone in Houston gave me time to truly think about how I will do it the next time I have the opportunity to make a choice. As an aside, I think its most important to take time out in life. Take time out of your everyday life to really analyze your decisions and path. If more people stopped chasing the proverbial carrot, and took a global or bird's eye view of their life, they would make better decisions. In retrospect, its always clearer. I can look back and see all my past decisions good and not so good. Now at 30, I'm able to do what I could have done in my 20s, but better and with more confidence because I know that I don't know anything or anyone more than I know me. Knowing and being confident in yourself and having peace with your decisions is called growing up.... and that is truly priceless.