I Don't Compete

I don’t compete. In my early twenties, I began to understand that the entire world is competing for something. Whether it is for money, love, resources, sex, attention or energy, the world influences us to compete for these things.

I recall when I realized I was considered by some as disadvantaged, at-risk, a have-not, urban youth or any other word that has been created to label minorities who lack money. I had been accepted into John P. Freeman Junior High School for academically advanced students. It was a predominantly Black school, but these Blacks did not act like me. They had more access to resources than I did; therefore, they had bigger, more expensive toys than me. We were the same, but different. I didn’t hate them, but I disliked how they tried to make their resources seem better than mine. I never openly criticized their ignorance; I just labeled them as different. Nevertheless, some of them openly berated those who were not like them. In my neighborhood, we ridiculed stupidity, not remnants of poverty. There were some things we had more control over than others, and those things beyond our control were off limits. However, everyone has a mind, so checking your verbal, wit and eventually strength was more the norm. Overall, it was a unique experience that I see as a lesson. There were people in my same city and visual Blackness, less than ten miles from my home that were different from the world I lived. I couldn’t imagine the other possibilities I would encounter throughout my life. It taught me to be true to myself, and that people communicate in various ways depending on how they were raised. What I understand now is that they merely communicated differently. Once I learned how they defined and used words, arranged sentences, posed questions and viewed life, it improved my interactions with them. Not unlike visiting a foreign country. We all have our distinct customs and traditions.

This is why we must not allow ourselves to be caught up in the rat race of life. Unless, that is what you like. Nevertheless, that life leads us to forgetting our purpose. It leads us to forgetting what we are really working towards in our lives, so what is it? What is it that we are working towards achieving in our lives? Even more so, what are we sacrificing for this dream? Is the juice worth the squeeze? Will a man sell his soul for the love of riches? Being wealthy is fine, but let us define wealth or being rich. Then, we must define the words greed or gluttony. Let our language speak truthfully. Communication is more than just words. It is the energy we emit in our body language, too. All these must be taken in consideration when communicating with someone. This is why my mother always shrugged from long telephone conversations. She found it difficult to communicate effectively without being in the person's presence. "It ain't the same," she would say, and now I begin to understand her statement.

Moreover, my contention became that I won’t compete. I’ll just be me. When I’m me, I always win. Good or bad, hard knocks or silver platters, smooth or rocky times, I can always look back and rationalize my decision making process and be accountable for my actions. I am responsible. I can decide to punish or reward myself accordingly. We are our own judges. We live our lives by our own personal rules. Therefore, if we change the rules, we change the consequences or rewards. Man may give the award (things), but the feeling of reward (blessings/what is earned) is much more satisfying. It gives your life meaning and purpose that is in line with giving glory to God. We were created to “make manifest the glory of God” (Willliamson). In the hustle and bustle of life, we forget who we are as well as whose we are. As an educator, I am bombarded with all types of questions from my students, and I, sometimes, find it difficult to remove God from my language because it is apart of whom I am. The question I hear so often is, “how do I know my purpose?” I respond simply, “Ask your Creator.” This answer usually stumps them because they don’t think about it. The answers to life’s dilemmas are simple; it’s the people and our emotions who make it difficult. For instance, if we desire to know how to operate something we either ask the person who created it or refer to the instruction manual designed by its manufacturer. We are no different. Prayers are the answer to our problems, but many lack the faith to manifest the things we desire.

This is why most humans have difficulty in forgiveness. It is because we blame ourselves. It becomes selfishness because WE cannot rationalize the "why.” Why it happened to me? Why didn’t I do this? Why didn’t it go this way? When we cannot get pass the “why,” we become trapped from our future, our blessings, our lives, our dreams. Things don’t happen like we would always like them to, but that’s where faith in ourselves to be better, do better, live better should kick into our minds. However, many humans have been trained to punish themselves after every failure or defeat. We run away, licking our wounds, feeling pity for ourselves and all the while preventing ourselves from our real dreams and destinies. Dreams change form due to our experiences, and oftentimes our “picture” of our lives isn’t the best one for us. We create a vision from media, family, friends or our imaginations. These are all fine and well, but we worry about the wrong things all the time. We worry and struggle to have what we think we should have, live or be. These prevent us from finding true happiness and peace because we "cannot" accept life. We "keep living" but we are bitter, angry, depressed, selfish and grief stricken. These feelings will not wield the true love we all seek. This leads to the question, what do we really desire? What do we really need? Is it love, security, identity, acceptance and/or purpose? If that is all we really need, then how much does that cost? Where most see chance (opportunity), how many see the cost (what you sacrifice) for the things we "want" in life.

The answers are so simple, but we get lost in translation. Words differ in meaning from country to country, state to state, province to province, city to city, borough to borough, parish to Parish, county to county, neighborhood to neighborhood, man to man, and oftentimes, house to house. So, how do we fill in these gaps? Treating our neighbor as ourselves? I guess it depends on how you show love, respect, discrimination, hate and tolerance to others. Although this seems simple, many of us forget this in a moment of passion, anger, grief or vulnerability. Either we are ruled by fear or faith. Faith in what? Faith in the person you are. It is the faith in being a human of truth and love, which equals justice, but requires tolerance and understanding. Then, when we begin to look at people we don’t judge “them,” but see ourselves. Although comparing and contrasting may seem like a thin line from judging. It’s all about the heart of the person. Is it compassion and love with which we look upon each other? Or, are we ready to be condescending because they may lack the same resources we have. The resources we have labeled as significant or important. Rather see others as being a possible teacher or student, equally different, but the same.

However, when I make decisions or make choices that were influenced by others or my perceptions of how they may view my life, I become paralyzed and fearful. I make wrong decisions. Resolutions made from fear. Those are the only wrong decisions. The ones you make from the heart are always the right ones. Even if it leads to struggle, these things help prepare us for the path ahead. They help to strengthen our faith, and to ensure our commitment for the long haul. God does not want weaklings or cowards. Courage is when we do something brave although we are afraid. If we weren’t afraid, then it wouldn’t be courage. Some people have strenght or talents that others don’t have and vice versa. For me as a child, “talking back” or disagreeing with an adult showed courage (or insanity, depending on your family), but as an adult, I don’t see the big deal in arguing with one of my peers. In other words, it’s all about perspective. Depending on your view, things may seem easy or difficult. The answer, you ask? Well, it’s quite simple. Even a baby does it; children do it, before we imprint our unwritten societal rules indelible in their brains. The answer is to trust your instincts. Trust yourself. Does it come from a place of love and goodness? Or, insecurity, loneliness and fear?

It’s odd. As a child, I had such a strong sense of identity. A confidence that I didn’t realize was uncommon until I became an adult. In this process, I began to realize that what some call luck, others call blessings and rest may refer to it as fortune or chance, I gained only by believing in myself and having some simple confidence. Yet, it was my inability to understand that confidence wasn’t simple, which made me an anomaly to others. I understood that I had a certain, let’s call it “power” for now, but I didn’t know how it happened or why people responded to it so. I just knew that certain things would be okay. I just understood that these things would happen because it was what I desired more than anything. My pureness of heart, no matter if I was a little selfish to some, came from a sense of oblivion. I was oblivious to how my actions may have affected others.

Then, there came a time that I was plagued with confusion. During my senior year of high school, I became too accustomed to getting my way. Believe it or not, I wanted to understand the life my peers led. I couldn't understand their confusion, how they made decisions, so I decided to assimilate. I was tired of being labeled as "different" or the "responsible one" among my clique of friends. I wanted to see the life they were leading for myself. With one decision, I was headed in a path that could only have brought me here to the person I am. Assimilating meant negating the "differences" that made me special and more powerful. It meant not always listening to my instincts because once I fell into their ideology or paradigm of life, I found too many areas of gray. Therefore, I made a lot of fear based decisions that changed the course of my life at times. It just saddens me when I think of the time I wasted being off track and having to find my way back to the main road. I know some of you are thinking, well that’s why we have mistakes to learn how to get it right. I totally agree, however, sometimes we stay on a wayward path beyond our due date. These are the times when God begins to through dirt in our eyes to regain our attention, our focus, our energy. Where your attention goes, your energy flows. Be careful who or what gets your attention. Then your energy will be focused on that thing or person. It can be good at times, when that person or thing helps us to be a better person. A person more connected to the source, which is God.

Let me make a caveat here. There is only one God. There may be many names, methods, languages, ways and things done or created to represent Him, but there is only one HIM. Either you are for the Good or the evil. There is very little gray matter here. God is Love, Goodness and Justice. HE is the creator of everything, but lives in the ideas and feelings that do not derive from fear. What is fear? Fear are the intangible (mental/spiritual) things that hold you back from what your heart desires. Things like insecurity, loneliness, hate, jealousy, pride, lust, laziness, greed, anger, depression and selfishness. Those things come from fear. It is a fear of the unknown. Those who are fearful, tend to compete. Sometimes, it is a simple fear of losing, rather having the perspective of learning from the feelings of defeat and arising again anew. If defeat is set in your heart, then how can you win? A righteous man fall seven times, and rises eight. Now, these numbers represent concepts: seven is completion, and eight is new beginnings, or infinity. We must change our perspective and take a bird’s eye view. A Godly view of life changes everything.