Today, I am really loving me. I woke up at around three am restless. I kept trying to go back to sleep, but to no avail, so I eventually got out of the bed. It is that special time for a woman where frequent visits to the bathroom are necessary, so I guess my restlessness was not in vain. First thing first, praising GOD for another day, "those that seek me early shall find me" (Proverbs 8:17). Second, I made some breakfast for me and my Patrick. Then, I started a load of laundry. I've been thinking about slowing down. It has been brought to my attention that I, Crystal Johnson, move faster than the average person. I tend to disagree, but I know that my Patrick uses this euphemism only to catch my attention, which only proves his point even more. "See," he confirms, "I had to say all that just to get you to really stop and digest what I've been telling you." Hurt and irritated simulataneously that this, this..."man" seems to see me more than I'm willing to admit, I respond in the most feminine voice I can muster, "I listen to you, baby." His response is a simple, "Umm Hmm" and a look that humbles me and says all that we don't say with words.
For some strange reason, I like mirrors. I know that may sound narcisssistic to some, but I do. I've always been a little taken aback by my reflection. Not necessarily in adoration, but I'm always amazed at how differently I look at times. Sometimes, I will sit in front of a mirror and have a silent conversation with myself. It helps the conversation in my mind if I can actually see a person across from me. As long as I can remember, I have been my best friend. I was that child that played well alone, had imaginary friends and such. Therefore, sitting and staring in the mirror was my way of checking in with Crystal...seeing if she was okay...if she was still there. Then, a time came where I couldn't find me in my reflection. I avoided mirrors, which is difficult when I have mirrors throughout my house. As a gift, I was given a full size 5' x 3' mirror, which is hard to avoid when it is in my bedroom. I saw my reflection, but I didn't like it. I was not me. I couldn't see the me that I used to be proud to be. When I looked at myself, really stared into my eyes, it frightened me. It frightened me because I didn't recognize the woman in the mirror. In the past, there may have been an instance here and there, but I always returned. This time, the Crystal I knew, was gone for a long time. She'd come out when she felt safe, but I didn't feel safe often enough for me. So my goal was to find me again. Anyone who knows me may say that when my mind has decided on something, just wait and see what happens. I have not decided if that is a good or bad thing. There are times where I wish I'd just let something go instead of having my way, but c'est la vie, we live and learn.Yet, in this case it was well worth the cost to finding myself.
My New Song
Spring 2007
nothing fills your soul like love
it creams around the corners, crevices
and it fills the holes
it carves its way forging through you
making room for it to move you
to grow
every moment, movement, look and breath
it billows like air inside you until
you feel full, but not so that you’ll burst
it makes you feel round and soft and happy
it completes you
creates you
makes you feel
turns you into you
even before you knew who you were
makes dark days seem bright
and heavy loads light
gives you another reason to live and to want
makes you curious
gives you wings to fly
and gills to breathe under water
when others seem to suffocate and want to die
only people who’ve had love can truly miss it
and those who haven’t but see it can only wish for it
yet it’s different to every vessel
In some, love dives while in others it rises
it whispers while in others it cries
it holds while it pushes others free
love molds while it lets you be
for some it’s a dream for others a reality
but until you know love it can be a mystery
love doesn’t hurt yet it’s the absence that lurks
and sherks and jerks your soul
only the memory of the filling
makes you struggle against its void
void like pain can turn girl into a woman
makes you see things coming
makes you hide the void so no one can see
the struggle you fight when the sun melts
on top of the horizon
and the moon appears to fill its space
nothing suffices
melting, sobbing into loneliness
waiting for the sun shine
hoping it will save face
so no one will know the pain that hasn’t been erased
signifying shame, disgrace
that doesn’t have a place
on this brand new face
so happy that I’ve found love again
so happy that its moving inside of me
sometimes grooving inside of me
each word I speak
turns into a line for a new song
for me to sing
and although some may
encourage me to keep my day job
they just don’t know the pain
I went through
that I was bent through
that I was sent through
so that I could be recreated
in a better image to prove to
any others like me
who felt like their life was through
don’t care whether it rhymes or not
or if I hit a wrong note
cause boo, this song it ain’t just about you
its for all my sisters and brothers
who travel this road called life
and struggle to make room for their dreams to grow
but speed bumps aren’t placed on a road
unless you’re going somewhere too fast
or too far
oh, I was there, and I’m back again
praising God that I’m me again
and that time spent
was well worth the cost
because it was my soul that I re-bought
some say I look the same
but its my vision that was changed
discovering love in everything
finding heaven around the bend
staying connected to God
the source of love and any talents I bring
Initially, I didn’t believe Badu’s banter
when she sang how love could make it better
but now that I see clearer
I thank God that I got through
so I can sing my new song
just for you
I've seen other shells or empty vessels when I was in the same predictament, and it only made me fight harder. I will not be that person you meet where you can tell that once upon a time they were a vibrant, fun person to be around and now they're just either quiet victims or bitter and cynical. Both are equally draining people. The quiet victims use their silence to draw you into their world and everything is someone elses fault. Or, if they actually admit to their part in their drama, they feel they "can't do" anything about it. All their faith goes into "waiting and hoping" opposed to dreaming, planning and doing. The bitter and cynical people criticize everything. They see the negative and state it in almost every situation. They are overprotective and overprotected. These are the worse because they are so afraid of being hurt again that they are closed. Some people almost completely. Every once in awhile you'll see these people as their natural selves. Its usually around children or their parents or around anyone or anything that makes them feel safe. And its so odd, when or if you're ever privy to seeing that real, fearless geniune side of that person it makes you understanding to that empty vessel of a person. It makes you more sensitive to their needs because you either pity them or love them. You keep holding on to the idea that they will change. Sometimes, if you want to change a person's behavior, you must first change your own. People will not change if they do not choose to do so in their heart. You may have to decide what you're willing to do and not do.
So, I knew that I needed to change my environment and so forth. I didn't know how this was going to happen, but that was the foremost thought in my mind, consistently. When your thoughts are strong and focused on an idea, your behavior will follow. I began to make decisions that would inevitably create the change I was seeking. If you ask, believe you will receive. (Matt 21:21-22). I refer to that scripture because it answers questions, but the problem most have is lack of faith. I am convinced that keeping a journal of your daily, weekly or even monthly thoughts and/or events will keep you honest and consistently evolving. I use my poetry to debrief, meditate and to pray. I usually write poems in series until the issue or problem I'm analyzing has been resolved. The first poem in the series always poses the question or problem. The others show my thoughts and growth until the resolution. The more poems in the series, the more I thought about it. I try to include dates on my poems, so I can keep track of my mental problem solving. I've included a poem that describes how I dealt with that emptiness:
After the Investigation (part 1)
Fall 2000
The sharp pain in my right wrist
Alerts me that time has returned
For me to feel
The emptiness
That I tried to forget
Lost in passionless kisses
Unfelt in warm arms
Untouched by lingering fingers
That leave me cold
Over and over again
Each time I feel
The empty that I tried to forget
As it consumes me
Slowly, I know in time
I will be the pain from
My wrist
I will be the pain that reminds me
Of the empty
I tried to forget
Thoughts of finishing my existence
Drift by
As trendy as newfound religions
I ponder and analyze
The how’s and why’s
To whenever, wherever, however
It happens
Again (part 2)
March 2007
I am alive again—the superficial pain
from my wrist
I once dismissed
or regarded with disdain
I welcome;
It tells me I’m alive, again;
It shows me who I am again;
The investigation is finished
and I’m remembering the me
I was before the pain—
The pain I allowed to consume me
became me
and now I’m back again;
Full circle I’ve come
although not many can say...
I laugh heartily
I feel completely
I cry fully
until the hurt is released;
Afraid no more of the how’s and why’s
because I know the power lies within
again
I reclaimed myself
My health and my mind, again
It was left for me to decide
I chose life not death
and now the LORD is my guide;
I stand before you anew--
evolving, growing everyday
because I’m me again
I asked GOD a question
and HE showed me the way;
Through days and nights
with loneliness as my friend;
From out my dark cloud
I ascend;
New heights, new beginnings—
It’s time for me to begin life
again
As a little girl to adult, I would have clairvoyant tendencies. I would get a sharp pain in my wrist when
something was not quite right. It would signal to me that I (my inner self) was unhappy or afraid even when my conscious self attempted to be okay. It would always remind me that I was not balanced or at peace. Then, there came a time when my overall pain was so great that I became numb to the pain in my wrist. I wanted it to stop. I wished for it to stop. I didn't care what seemed right, I wanted to do things my way. And you know what? I got what I wished for.....I believe and received. For a long time, there were no premonitions, no signs, no special feelings...I couldn't access it when I wanted it. That hurt me. I found that my decisions weren't as on point as they usually were. I began to second guess myself. It was awful. I had to learn to do that on my own, so it was needed. It took years to forgive myself and regain that power. It was like my guardian angel would tug my arm to say, "hey, that's not what we're here to do" or "we're going the wrong way." Now, I am so grateful for the guidance that I took for granted. Never lose your childish innocence. It will keep you honest with yourself and pure at heart. Guard your heart with all diligence because in it flows the issues of life.(Proverbs..4:21-23). Thats how I interpret that verse. What GOD put inside you---your heart-- you must protect it, even from family and friends sometimes, for it is what you were put here to do...your desires....your path to happiness is found in your heart. Sometimes, we forget to listen to that and instead choose to focus on the noise from the world. We allow it into our lives through people, t.v., schools, etc. Anyway, I had to be reminded that I had the power to my so-called problems. I just hadn't asked the right questions. Some people know and are afraid to ask because they are afraid to change. On the other hand, I was just stubborn...a creature of habit. Once I was ready, I found the right questions. I found me, again....and for me it was remembering to not be afraid of love.
So, I am loving me, right now. I woke up this morning, looked in the mirror and smiled. I ran my fingers through my tightly curled, natural hair feeling powerful and free and beautiful. I love my hair! I mean I really do! I wanted to go natural in high school, but one of my teachers said, "Wait." She said, "Wait. When you get all your degrees and got the experience under your belt, you can do whatever you want to do. Some people have a hard time accepting natural styles." I was hurt at this comment, but I understood her point to protect me. She was concerned people would see the natural hair and not see me. And she was right, I saw and heard first hand how people regarded those with natural styles as I worked in various jobs and even from friends. So, I just waited. I'm glad I did because I enjoyed my perm at times. I enjoyed having long hair and all the privileges that come with it, but now that I've done all that I could do with the perm, I was ready for a change. Something to show the inner growth occurring inside me. I wanted to remove as many of the impurities I was putting inside my body. Let me see how I feel when I remove things that I don't really need. How much money will I save by removing some of these things? That's my new thing, lately. I am always conducting a personal experiment. How does Crystal react to the removal of these toys or things? It is somewhat sadistic, but it helps keep me focused/disciplined on what is important to me,......real people and feelings, not things. Then, it became time for me to go back to as natural state as possible to see how my body reacts to natural, organic things. I felt that I had the most energy when I was young, and that was my most natural state...no perm, no clinging to things because as children we are simple and require simple things....love, attention, food, clothes, shelter and structure. Things that are free, natural or from the earth and GOD. You'll be surprised by the energy and health benefits of it. I was educated on it at an early age, but peer pressure can be something else. I am only human. Yet, I was told by people with perms, how dangerous the chemicals inside the perms were. How it can affect brainwaves and possibly lead to cancer, but how can I take that information seriously when the person telling me this has a perm? So I figured it must not be that dangerous. Yet, now as I am geting older and realizing the greed of this capitalistic economy, wouldn't be surprised if it was true. However, hair products/services are a billion dollar industry, and no one is going to ruin that money by a little truth that may save a life here and there....nah....so, for me, I changed because it was necessary for me to grow. It was time, thats all.
So, I am loving me, right now. I remember the vision I had of what I would look like when I'd turn 30, and I was taken aback again when I realized, there she was. Here I am. Those large brown eyes shining back at me. In those eyes, I saw it all....the pain, joy, grief, Love, peace, growth, GOD, my beginning and ending, my story...and this time I was unafraid. Being older, growing and experiencing life can make you either fearful or fearless. I choose the latter. I remember that GOD has already given us everything we need to survive and do what HE promised in us to do. I found peace in that. I find that peace in me. So, as I run my fingers through my course curly hair for the umpteenth time. I remember that I survived. I remember that I am powerful. I remember that there is no one else like me. I remember that all things are possible. I remember that I am okay, I am abnormal because I know WHO created me...and I am different for a reason, and that humbles me as I accept the face in the mirror. I accept all that I see and I am glad. I smile at HIS work. My eyes are watching GOD and all HE/sHE does is GoOD. So, all I can do is Thank the ALMIGHTY GOD and speak life into my world when I gratefully say, "Good morning, Crystal Lynn. I'm so happy to see you, again."
For some strange reason, I like mirrors. I know that may sound narcisssistic to some, but I do. I've always been a little taken aback by my reflection. Not necessarily in adoration, but I'm always amazed at how differently I look at times. Sometimes, I will sit in front of a mirror and have a silent conversation with myself. It helps the conversation in my mind if I can actually see a person across from me. As long as I can remember, I have been my best friend. I was that child that played well alone, had imaginary friends and such. Therefore, sitting and staring in the mirror was my way of checking in with Crystal...seeing if she was okay...if she was still there. Then, a time came where I couldn't find me in my reflection. I avoided mirrors, which is difficult when I have mirrors throughout my house. As a gift, I was given a full size 5' x 3' mirror, which is hard to avoid when it is in my bedroom. I saw my reflection, but I didn't like it. I was not me. I couldn't see the me that I used to be proud to be. When I looked at myself, really stared into my eyes, it frightened me. It frightened me because I didn't recognize the woman in the mirror. In the past, there may have been an instance here and there, but I always returned. This time, the Crystal I knew, was gone for a long time. She'd come out when she felt safe, but I didn't feel safe often enough for me. So my goal was to find me again. Anyone who knows me may say that when my mind has decided on something, just wait and see what happens. I have not decided if that is a good or bad thing. There are times where I wish I'd just let something go instead of having my way, but c'est la vie, we live and learn.Yet, in this case it was well worth the cost to finding myself.
My New Song
Spring 2007
nothing fills your soul like love
it creams around the corners, crevices
and it fills the holes
it carves its way forging through you
making room for it to move you
to grow
every moment, movement, look and breath
it billows like air inside you until
you feel full, but not so that you’ll burst
it makes you feel round and soft and happy
it completes you
creates you
makes you feel
turns you into you
even before you knew who you were
makes dark days seem bright
and heavy loads light
gives you another reason to live and to want
makes you curious
gives you wings to fly
and gills to breathe under water
when others seem to suffocate and want to die
only people who’ve had love can truly miss it
and those who haven’t but see it can only wish for it
yet it’s different to every vessel
In some, love dives while in others it rises
it whispers while in others it cries
it holds while it pushes others free
love molds while it lets you be
for some it’s a dream for others a reality
but until you know love it can be a mystery
love doesn’t hurt yet it’s the absence that lurks
and sherks and jerks your soul
only the memory of the filling
makes you struggle against its void
void like pain can turn girl into a woman
makes you see things coming
makes you hide the void so no one can see
the struggle you fight when the sun melts
on top of the horizon
and the moon appears to fill its space
nothing suffices
melting, sobbing into loneliness
waiting for the sun shine
hoping it will save face
so no one will know the pain that hasn’t been erased
signifying shame, disgrace
that doesn’t have a place
on this brand new face
so happy that I’ve found love again
so happy that its moving inside of me
sometimes grooving inside of me
each word I speak
turns into a line for a new song
for me to sing
and although some may
encourage me to keep my day job
they just don’t know the pain
I went through
that I was bent through
that I was sent through
so that I could be recreated
in a better image to prove to
any others like me
who felt like their life was through
don’t care whether it rhymes or not
or if I hit a wrong note
cause boo, this song it ain’t just about you
its for all my sisters and brothers
who travel this road called life
and struggle to make room for their dreams to grow
but speed bumps aren’t placed on a road
unless you’re going somewhere too fast
or too far
oh, I was there, and I’m back again
praising God that I’m me again
and that time spent
was well worth the cost
because it was my soul that I re-bought
some say I look the same
but its my vision that was changed
discovering love in everything
finding heaven around the bend
staying connected to God
the source of love and any talents I bring
Initially, I didn’t believe Badu’s banter
when she sang how love could make it better
but now that I see clearer
I thank God that I got through
so I can sing my new song
just for you
I've seen other shells or empty vessels when I was in the same predictament, and it only made me fight harder. I will not be that person you meet where you can tell that once upon a time they were a vibrant, fun person to be around and now they're just either quiet victims or bitter and cynical. Both are equally draining people. The quiet victims use their silence to draw you into their world and everything is someone elses fault. Or, if they actually admit to their part in their drama, they feel they "can't do" anything about it. All their faith goes into "waiting and hoping" opposed to dreaming, planning and doing. The bitter and cynical people criticize everything. They see the negative and state it in almost every situation. They are overprotective and overprotected. These are the worse because they are so afraid of being hurt again that they are closed. Some people almost completely. Every once in awhile you'll see these people as their natural selves. Its usually around children or their parents or around anyone or anything that makes them feel safe. And its so odd, when or if you're ever privy to seeing that real, fearless geniune side of that person it makes you understanding to that empty vessel of a person. It makes you more sensitive to their needs because you either pity them or love them. You keep holding on to the idea that they will change. Sometimes, if you want to change a person's behavior, you must first change your own. People will not change if they do not choose to do so in their heart. You may have to decide what you're willing to do and not do.
So, I knew that I needed to change my environment and so forth. I didn't know how this was going to happen, but that was the foremost thought in my mind, consistently. When your thoughts are strong and focused on an idea, your behavior will follow. I began to make decisions that would inevitably create the change I was seeking. If you ask, believe you will receive. (Matt 21:21-22). I refer to that scripture because it answers questions, but the problem most have is lack of faith. I am convinced that keeping a journal of your daily, weekly or even monthly thoughts and/or events will keep you honest and consistently evolving. I use my poetry to debrief, meditate and to pray. I usually write poems in series until the issue or problem I'm analyzing has been resolved. The first poem in the series always poses the question or problem. The others show my thoughts and growth until the resolution. The more poems in the series, the more I thought about it. I try to include dates on my poems, so I can keep track of my mental problem solving. I've included a poem that describes how I dealt with that emptiness:
After the Investigation (part 1)
Fall 2000
The sharp pain in my right wrist
Alerts me that time has returned
For me to feel
The emptiness
That I tried to forget
Lost in passionless kisses
Unfelt in warm arms
Untouched by lingering fingers
That leave me cold
Over and over again
Each time I feel
The empty that I tried to forget
As it consumes me
Slowly, I know in time
I will be the pain from
My wrist
I will be the pain that reminds me
Of the empty
I tried to forget
Thoughts of finishing my existence
Drift by
As trendy as newfound religions
I ponder and analyze
The how’s and why’s
To whenever, wherever, however
It happens
Again (part 2)
March 2007
I am alive again—the superficial pain
from my wrist
I once dismissed
or regarded with disdain
I welcome;
It tells me I’m alive, again;
It shows me who I am again;
The investigation is finished
and I’m remembering the me
I was before the pain—
The pain I allowed to consume me
became me
and now I’m back again;
Full circle I’ve come
although not many can say...
I laugh heartily
I feel completely
I cry fully
until the hurt is released;
Afraid no more of the how’s and why’s
because I know the power lies within
again
I reclaimed myself
My health and my mind, again
It was left for me to decide
I chose life not death
and now the LORD is my guide;
I stand before you anew--
evolving, growing everyday
because I’m me again
I asked GOD a question
and HE showed me the way;
Through days and nights
with loneliness as my friend;
From out my dark cloud
I ascend;
New heights, new beginnings—
It’s time for me to begin life
again
As a little girl to adult, I would have clairvoyant tendencies. I would get a sharp pain in my wrist when
something was not quite right. It would signal to me that I (my inner self) was unhappy or afraid even when my conscious self attempted to be okay. It would always remind me that I was not balanced or at peace. Then, there came a time when my overall pain was so great that I became numb to the pain in my wrist. I wanted it to stop. I wished for it to stop. I didn't care what seemed right, I wanted to do things my way. And you know what? I got what I wished for.....I believe and received. For a long time, there were no premonitions, no signs, no special feelings...I couldn't access it when I wanted it. That hurt me. I found that my decisions weren't as on point as they usually were. I began to second guess myself. It was awful. I had to learn to do that on my own, so it was needed. It took years to forgive myself and regain that power. It was like my guardian angel would tug my arm to say, "hey, that's not what we're here to do" or "we're going the wrong way." Now, I am so grateful for the guidance that I took for granted. Never lose your childish innocence. It will keep you honest with yourself and pure at heart. Guard your heart with all diligence because in it flows the issues of life.(Proverbs..4:21-23). Thats how I interpret that verse. What GOD put inside you---your heart-- you must protect it, even from family and friends sometimes, for it is what you were put here to do...your desires....your path to happiness is found in your heart. Sometimes, we forget to listen to that and instead choose to focus on the noise from the world. We allow it into our lives through people, t.v., schools, etc. Anyway, I had to be reminded that I had the power to my so-called problems. I just hadn't asked the right questions. Some people know and are afraid to ask because they are afraid to change. On the other hand, I was just stubborn...a creature of habit. Once I was ready, I found the right questions. I found me, again....and for me it was remembering to not be afraid of love.
So, I am loving me, right now. I woke up this morning, looked in the mirror and smiled. I ran my fingers through my tightly curled, natural hair feeling powerful and free and beautiful. I love my hair! I mean I really do! I wanted to go natural in high school, but one of my teachers said, "Wait." She said, "Wait. When you get all your degrees and got the experience under your belt, you can do whatever you want to do. Some people have a hard time accepting natural styles." I was hurt at this comment, but I understood her point to protect me. She was concerned people would see the natural hair and not see me. And she was right, I saw and heard first hand how people regarded those with natural styles as I worked in various jobs and even from friends. So, I just waited. I'm glad I did because I enjoyed my perm at times. I enjoyed having long hair and all the privileges that come with it, but now that I've done all that I could do with the perm, I was ready for a change. Something to show the inner growth occurring inside me. I wanted to remove as many of the impurities I was putting inside my body. Let me see how I feel when I remove things that I don't really need. How much money will I save by removing some of these things? That's my new thing, lately. I am always conducting a personal experiment. How does Crystal react to the removal of these toys or things? It is somewhat sadistic, but it helps keep me focused/disciplined on what is important to me,......real people and feelings, not things. Then, it became time for me to go back to as natural state as possible to see how my body reacts to natural, organic things. I felt that I had the most energy when I was young, and that was my most natural state...no perm, no clinging to things because as children we are simple and require simple things....love, attention, food, clothes, shelter and structure. Things that are free, natural or from the earth and GOD. You'll be surprised by the energy and health benefits of it. I was educated on it at an early age, but peer pressure can be something else. I am only human. Yet, I was told by people with perms, how dangerous the chemicals inside the perms were. How it can affect brainwaves and possibly lead to cancer, but how can I take that information seriously when the person telling me this has a perm? So I figured it must not be that dangerous. Yet, now as I am geting older and realizing the greed of this capitalistic economy, wouldn't be surprised if it was true. However, hair products/services are a billion dollar industry, and no one is going to ruin that money by a little truth that may save a life here and there....nah....so, for me, I changed because it was necessary for me to grow. It was time, thats all.
So, I am loving me, right now. I remember the vision I had of what I would look like when I'd turn 30, and I was taken aback again when I realized, there she was. Here I am. Those large brown eyes shining back at me. In those eyes, I saw it all....the pain, joy, grief, Love, peace, growth, GOD, my beginning and ending, my story...and this time I was unafraid. Being older, growing and experiencing life can make you either fearful or fearless. I choose the latter. I remember that GOD has already given us everything we need to survive and do what HE promised in us to do. I found peace in that. I find that peace in me. So, as I run my fingers through my course curly hair for the umpteenth time. I remember that I survived. I remember that I am powerful. I remember that there is no one else like me. I remember that all things are possible. I remember that I am okay, I am abnormal because I know WHO created me...and I am different for a reason, and that humbles me as I accept the face in the mirror. I accept all that I see and I am glad. I smile at HIS work. My eyes are watching GOD and all HE/sHE does is GoOD. So, all I can do is Thank the ALMIGHTY GOD and speak life into my world when I gratefully say, "Good morning, Crystal Lynn. I'm so happy to see you, again."
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