Loving Me...

Today, I am really loving me. I woke up at around three am restless. I kept trying to go back to sleep, but to no avail, so I eventually got out of the bed. It is that special time for a woman where frequent visits to the bathroom are necessary, so I guess my restlessness was not in vain. First thing first, praising GOD for another day, "those that seek me early shall find me" (Proverbs 8:17). Second, I made some breakfast for me and my Patrick. Then, I started a load of laundry. I've been thinking about slowing down. It has been brought to my attention that I, Crystal Johnson, move faster than the average person. I tend to disagree, but I know that my Patrick uses this euphemism only to catch my attention, which only proves his point even more. "See," he confirms, "I had to say all that just to get you to really stop and digest what I've been telling you." Hurt and irritated simulataneously that this, this..."man" seems to see me more than I'm willing to admit, I respond in the most feminine voice I can muster, "I listen to you, baby." His response is a simple, "Umm Hmm" and a look that humbles me and says all that we don't say with words.

For some strange reason, I like mirrors. I know that may sound narcisssistic to some, but I do. I've always been a little taken aback by my reflection. Not necessarily in adoration, but I'm always amazed at how differently I look at times. Sometimes, I will sit in front of a mirror and have a silent conversation with myself. It helps the conversation in my mind if I can actually see a person across from me. As long as I can remember, I have been my best friend. I was that child that played well alone, had imaginary friends and such. Therefore, sitting and staring in the mirror was my way of checking in with Crystal...seeing if she was okay...if she was still there. Then, a time came where I couldn't find me in my reflection. I avoided mirrors, which is difficult when I have mirrors throughout my house. As a gift, I was given a full size 5' x 3' mirror, which is hard to avoid when it is in my bedroom. I saw my reflection, but I didn't like it. I was not me. I couldn't see the me that I used to be proud to be. When I looked at myself, really stared into my eyes, it frightened me. It frightened me because I didn't recognize the woman in the mirror. In the past, there may have been an instance here and there, but I always returned. This time, the Crystal I knew, was gone for a long time. She'd come out when she felt safe, but I didn't feel safe often enough for me. So my goal was to find me again. Anyone who knows me may say that when my mind has decided on something, just wait and see what happens. I have not decided if that is a good or bad thing. There are times where I wish I'd just let something go instead of having my way, but c'est la vie, we live and learn.Yet, in this case it was well worth the cost to finding myself.

My New Song
Spring 2007

nothing fills your soul like love
it creams around the corners, crevices
and it fills the holes
it carves its way forging through you
making room for it to move you
to grow
every moment, movement, look and breath
it billows like air inside you until
you feel full, but not so that you’ll burst
it makes you feel round and soft and happy
it completes you
creates you
makes you feel
turns you into you
even before you knew who you were
makes dark days seem bright
and heavy loads light
gives you another reason to live and to want
makes you curious
gives you wings to fly
and gills to breathe under water
when others seem to suffocate and want to die
only people who’ve had love can truly miss it
and those who haven’t but see it can only wish for it
yet it’s different to every vessel
In some, love dives while in others it rises
it whispers while in others it cries
it holds while it pushes others free
love molds while it lets you be
for some it’s a dream for others a reality
but until you know love it can be a mystery
love doesn’t hurt yet it’s the absence that lurks
and sherks and jerks your soul
only the memory of the filling
makes you struggle against its void
void like pain can turn girl into a woman
makes you see things coming
makes you hide the void so no one can see
the struggle you fight when the sun melts
on top of the horizon
and the moon appears to fill its space
nothing suffices
melting, sobbing into loneliness
waiting for the sun shine
hoping it will save face
so no one will know the pain that hasn’t been erased
signifying shame, disgrace
that doesn’t have a place
on this brand new face
so happy that I’ve found love again
so happy that its moving inside of me
sometimes grooving inside of me
each word I speak
turns into a line for a new song
for me to sing
and although some may
encourage me to keep my day job
they just don’t know the pain
I went through
that I was bent through
that I was sent through
so that I could be recreated
in a better image to prove to
any others like me
who felt like their life was through
don’t care whether it rhymes or not
or if I hit a wrong note
cause boo, this song it ain’t just about you
its for all my sisters and brothers
who travel this road called life
and struggle to make room for their dreams to grow
but speed bumps aren’t placed on a road
unless you’re going somewhere too fast
or too far
oh, I was there, and I’m back again
praising God that I’m me again
and that time spent
was well worth the cost
because it was my soul that I re-bought
some say I look the same
but its my vision that was changed
discovering love in everything
finding heaven around the bend
staying connected to God
the source of love and any talents I bring
Initially, I didn’t believe Badu’s banter
when she sang how love could make it better
but now that I see clearer
I thank God that I got through
so I can sing my new song
just for you

I've seen other shells or empty vessels when I was in the same predictament, and it only made me fight harder. I will not be that person you meet where you can tell that once upon a time they were a vibrant, fun person to be around and now they're just either quiet victims or bitter and cynical. Both are equally draining people. The quiet victims use their silence to draw you into their world and everything is someone elses fault. Or, if they actually admit to their part in their drama, they feel they "can't do" anything about it. All their faith goes into "waiting and hoping" opposed to dreaming, planning and doing. The bitter and cynical people criticize everything. They see the negative and state it in almost every situation. They are overprotective and overprotected. These are the worse because they are so afraid of being hurt again that they are closed. Some people almost completely. Every once in awhile you'll see these people as their natural selves. Its usually around children or their parents or around anyone or anything that makes them feel safe. And its so odd, when or if you're ever privy to seeing that real, fearless geniune side of that person it makes you understanding to that empty vessel of a person. It makes you more sensitive to their needs because you either pity them or love them. You keep holding on to the idea that they will change. Sometimes, if you want to change a person's behavior, you must first change your own. People will not change if they do not choose to do so in their heart. You may have to decide what you're willing to do and not do.

So, I knew that I needed to change my environment and so forth. I didn't know how this was going to happen, but that was the foremost thought in my mind, consistently. When your thoughts are strong and focused on an idea, your behavior will follow. I began to make decisions that would inevitably create the change I was seeking. If you ask, believe you will receive. (Matt 21:21-22). I refer to that scripture because it answers questions, but the problem most have is lack of faith. I am convinced that keeping a journal of your daily, weekly or even monthly thoughts and/or events will keep you honest and consistently evolving. I use my poetry to debrief, meditate and to pray. I usually write poems in series until the issue or problem I'm analyzing has been resolved. The first poem in the series always poses the question or problem. The others show my thoughts and growth until the resolution. The more poems in the series, the more I thought about it. I try to include dates on my poems, so I can keep track of my mental problem solving. I've included a poem that describes how I dealt with that emptiness:

After the Investigation (part 1)
Fall 2000

The sharp pain in my right wrist
Alerts me that time has returned
For me to feel
The emptiness
That I tried to forget
Lost in passionless kisses
Unfelt in warm arms
Untouched by lingering fingers
That leave me cold
Over and over again
Each time I feel
The empty that I tried to forget
As it consumes me
Slowly, I know in time
I will be the pain from
My wrist
I will be the pain that reminds me
Of the empty
I tried to forget
Thoughts of finishing my existence
Drift by
As trendy as newfound religions
I ponder and analyze
The how’s and why’s
To whenever, wherever, however
It happens


Again (part 2)
March 2007

I am alive again—the superficial pain
from my wrist
I once dismissed
or regarded with disdain
I welcome;
It tells me I’m alive, again;
It shows me who I am again;
The investigation is finished
and I’m remembering the me
I was before the pain—
The pain I allowed to consume me
became me
and now I’m back again;
Full circle I’ve come
although not many can say...
I laugh heartily
I feel completely
I cry fully
until the hurt is released;
Afraid no more of the how’s and why’s
because I know the power lies within
again
I reclaimed myself
My health and my mind, again
It was left for me to decide
I chose life not death
and now the LORD is my guide;
I stand before you anew--
evolving, growing everyday
because I’m me again
I asked GOD a question
and HE showed me the way;
Through days and nights
with loneliness as my friend;
From out my dark cloud
I ascend;
New heights, new beginnings—
It’s time for me to begin life
again

As a little girl to adult, I would have clairvoyant tendencies. I would get a sharp pain in my wrist when
something was not quite right. It would signal to me that I (my inner self) was unhappy or afraid even when my conscious self attempted to be okay. It would always remind me that I was not balanced or at peace. Then, there came a time when my overall pain was so great that I became numb to the pain in my wrist. I wanted it to stop. I wished for it to stop. I didn't care what seemed right, I wanted to do things my way. And you know what? I got what I wished for.....I believe and received. For a long time, there were no premonitions, no signs, no special feelings...I couldn't access it when I wanted it. That hurt me. I found that my decisions weren't as on point as they usually were. I began to second guess myself. It was awful. I had to learn to do that on my own, so it was needed. It took years to forgive myself and regain that power. It was like my guardian angel would tug my arm to say, "hey, that's not what we're here to do" or "we're going the wrong way." Now, I am so grateful for the guidance that I took for granted. Never lose your childish innocence. It will keep you honest with yourself and pure at heart. Guard your heart with all diligence because in it flows the issues of life.(Proverbs..4:21-23). Thats how I interpret that verse. What GOD put inside you---your heart-- you must protect it, even from family and friends sometimes, for it is what you were put here to do...your desires....your path to happiness is found in your heart. Sometimes, we forget to listen to that and instead choose to focus on the noise from the world. We allow it into our lives through people, t.v., schools, etc. Anyway, I had to be reminded that I had the power to my so-called problems. I just hadn't asked the right questions. Some people know and are afraid to ask because they are afraid to change. On the other hand, I was just stubborn...a creature of habit. Once I was ready, I found the right questions. I found me, again....and for me it was remembering to not be afraid of love.

So, I am loving me, right now. I woke up this morning, looked in the mirror and smiled. I ran my fingers through my tightly curled, natural hair feeling powerful and free and beautiful. I love my hair! I mean I really do! I wanted to go natural in high school, but one of my teachers said, "Wait." She said, "Wait. When you get all your degrees and got the experience under your belt, you can do whatever you want to do. Some people have a hard time accepting natural styles." I was hurt at this comment, but I understood her point to protect me. She was concerned people would see the natural hair and not see me. And she was right, I saw and heard first hand how people regarded those with natural styles as I worked in various jobs and even from friends. So, I just waited. I'm glad I did because I enjoyed my perm at times. I enjoyed having long hair and all the privileges that come with it, but now that I've done all that I could do with the perm, I was ready for a change. Something to show the inner growth occurring inside me. I wanted to remove as many of the impurities I was putting inside my body. Let me see how I feel when I remove things that I don't really need. How much money will I save by removing some of these things? That's my new thing, lately. I am always conducting a personal experiment. How does Crystal react to the removal of these toys or things? It is somewhat sadistic, but it helps keep me focused/disciplined on what is important to me,......real people and feelings, not things. Then, it became time for me to go back to as natural state as possible to see how my body reacts to natural, organic things. I felt that I had the most energy when I was young, and that was my most natural state...no perm, no clinging to things because as children we are simple and require simple things....love, attention, food, clothes, shelter and structure. Things that are free, natural or from the earth and GOD. You'll be surprised by the energy and health benefits of it. I was educated on it at an early age, but peer pressure can be something else. I am only human. Yet, I was told by people with perms, how dangerous the chemicals inside the perms were. How it can affect brainwaves and possibly lead to cancer, but how can I take that information seriously when the person telling me this has a perm? So I figured it must not be that dangerous. Yet, now as I am geting older and realizing the greed of this capitalistic economy, wouldn't be surprised if it was true. However, hair products/services are a billion dollar industry, and no one is going to ruin that money by a little truth that may save a life here and there....nah....so, for me, I changed because it was necessary for me to grow. It was time, thats all.

So, I am loving me, right now. I remember the vision I had of what I would look like when I'd turn 30, and I was taken aback again when I realized, there she was. Here I am. Those large brown eyes shining back at me. In those eyes, I saw it all....the pain, joy, grief, Love, peace, growth, GOD, my beginning and ending, my story...and this time I was unafraid. Being older, growing and experiencing life can make you either fearful or fearless. I choose the latter. I remember that GOD has already given us everything we need to survive and do what HE promised in us to do. I found peace in that. I find that peace in me. So, as I run my fingers through my course curly hair for the umpteenth time. I remember that I survived. I remember that I am powerful. I remember that there is no one else like me. I remember that all things are possible. I remember that I am okay, I am abnormal because I know WHO created me...and I am different for a reason, and that humbles me as I accept the face in the mirror. I accept all that I see and I am glad. I smile at HIS work. My eyes are watching GOD and all HE/sHE does is GoOD. So, all I can do is Thank the ALMIGHTY GOD and speak life into my world when I gratefully say, "Good morning, Crystal Lynn. I'm so happy to see you, again."

Thoughts on Turning 30

Some people think I'm doing this thing backwards, but I'm just doing what I said I would do. I always said I would follow the desires of my heart. Do what I wanted to do, and it just so happens that the output changes at times, but never the vision or the dream. I will not disclose my vision and dream to mere strangers, who lack the discipline of their emotions enough to provide consistent positive energy my way. I, too, am human and understand our ways. Yet, I digress and refer to one of my favorite poems by Robert Frost entitled, "The Road Less Traveled" :

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveller, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I--
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference

I love this poem because it shows how the "traveller" had to decide on which path to take. In life, we have to make decisions everyday, sometimes, not realizing the magnaminity of them. I followed all the rules to get where I am only because I believed my teachers when they said, "if you get an education, you can be whatever you want to be" Well, that sold me! I was in hook, line and sinker. All my energy from that point was focused on getting the education that would permit me to "be whatever I wanted to be" and what did I want to be more than anything?....Free And so far, I am not disappointed. It just took some sacrifices along the way to create the world I imagine for me. If Education is Truth and the Truth sets people free, then why do people feel the opposite at their jobs? Thats how I felt. IfI have all these degrees and so-called "education" then why am I following rules that I don't like or make little sense? This isn't what I desire? This isn't the life that I had in mind when I was a little girl. God promises us abundant life and the desires of our heart, so what was I doing wrong? This is when I arrived at my most difficult fork in the road and chose the path less traveled.

I used to follow all the rules. I used to adhere to society's programmed plan of life. You know, go to school, college, get degrees, car, career, house, marriage, kids, etc. Now, I have acquired most of these "things," what does that mean? What is the significance of having "things"? I have everything except the marriage and kids, but even lacking those things many of my friends felt I "had it all together." Yet, the acquisition of these things still left me wanting for something else. Something I could not put my finger on for some time until I took time to remember who I was.

We tend to forget the true desires that GOD placed in us. I made myself think back to my childhood. What was it that I wanted to be? When I was in grade school, I desired to be (in no particular order) a comedian, a writer, a dancer/choreographer (like Debbie Allen) and/or a child psychiatrist. Do you know what career I chose to do out of that list? None of the above. I became an educator, a teacher. However, I still use those talents such as comedy, choreography, writing and my psychology classes in teaching. It actually makes the job easier. I bring myself into the job. I am the job that no one else can duplicate. I made myself so marketable, so indispensible that it creates a hole once I leave because I made it better than what it was. We should always leave things or people better than how we found them. That is the true mark of your legacy. I have always been conscious of my story. Maybe because I'm a writer, but I want to leave a story that will help others after my time on this earthly realm. I know that may sound arrogant, but few people do that. Some people follow the rules so much that we forget to be ourselves.We become the restrictions of our life opposed to becoming the very thing that we desire. Odd, huh? We all do it, I did it. I became tired of trying to fit in the same cookie-cutter mold as everyone else. I never cared about "fitting in", but as we become adults, its almost assumed that you will do certain things to be accepted. So I refuse, and that can cause some to be confused when it seems that I had it all, but thats not what I desired. Wants and desires are different. They are different words. We want different things everyday, but desires are placed in you by GOD so they are consistent from birth. Yet, society and school conditions us to compete for jobs that make money opposed to lifestyles that would lead to true happiness. Therefore, I diverge. My ways are not usually my own because desires are what GOD placed in us at conception so how can anyone take what GOD has gifted me?

I believe in the promises, blessings and authority that GOD has given man, so I use them faithfully and responsibly. It is the presence of fear that leads to defeat, so I had to shed myself of what was "safe" and do what I desired.....to be free of a life that wasn't me. I didn't want to be confined to a classroom or building when true education and learning is gained though experience. Everywhere I go, I am an educator. That is apart of who I am. I accept that and carry it with me, but its not all of who I am. I am so much more than the compartmentalized mentality that many of us have. My GOD cannot be confined since he is alpha and omega, and if we are made in HIS image, then how can I, too, be confined, when we as humans are meant to grow and learn and become wiser--ever changing. When I realized my power, I regained my confidence in me. The fearless little girl I once was with dreams and ideas and hope and resilence returned. She said, "crystal it's time to leave." And although I didn't want to relocate at that time, it was definitely the time to do something so I wouldn't fall back into my comfortable routine.

In retrospect, the reason I left my first two experiences after college was not because I didn't love it there; I was getting too comfortable too early in life. I don't call them jobs because they were more like experiences where I was blessed to have supervisors who treated me like an apprentice, and allowed me to grow. I have a lot of respect for Marc E. Willis and LaVaughn Bridges my supervisors from my time at STAX Music Academy and Melrose High School, respectively. Leaders who allowed me to be one, in good times and not so good times.Now, leaving both places was difficult because when I am into a project or "experience" I'm am 100% or I'm not at all. I felt my heart was longing for something that I had but couldnt see. I knew there were a whole lot of other things I desired and sometimes we allow comfort and things to make us forget our purpose. The evil one has all kind of distractions. Some can have it all and not get distracted. Its called discipline. My exodus to Houston helped me to regain my discipline, my focus, my connection to GOD.

Oddly, when I decided to relocate, I'd just began to date the love of my life. I left Memphis and him to find me. I didn't know how the me I desired to find would return to him, but I knew that anything worth having is worth fighting for, so I took the chance to save me. I was alone in Houston. New job, new students, new apartment, new city, no boyfriend and old me. I drove the ten hours to Memphis every month. Not necessarily because I wanted to but I had to. I didn't know love could do this to me. Remember, this was the one thing that I didn't have--love, marriage and kids---not that I was rushing to have the marriage and kid part, but God will give you the desires of your heart when you are obedient. And my presence in Houston was meant for me. It was apart of my obedience to God and if I could weather that year long storm, then I would be worthy of my big dreams and desires. I guess, it took God to move me ten hours and two states away for me to realize how much I desired love and companionship. It took this experience for me to sacrifice things I wouldn't have if I stayed in Memphis. It wasn't until HE took everything that I could see anything HE was trying to tell me. Although I wanted different, I wasn't behaving differently. Yet, when all my comforts were taken away from me, I quickly realized what was missing---love.

The death of my oldest sister changed me. She practically raised me when I was a little girl. Her death left a void that was so large that nothing seemed to fill it. It was like the space phenomenon of the Black Hole. Like a vortex, but nothing could satisfy its longing. I didn't realize how much Love she put into my life until she was gone. All the education, jobs, freedom and even going "clubbing" couldn't fill this hole. I tried doing every and anything to feed this desire, but nothing worked. I was too closed. My heart was closed and no matter how hard I tried I couldn't open up. It only devoured due to its fear of having nothing, which only left me with more nothing. I call my move to Houston, my exodus, because it was my time away for fine tuning. God had to break and remake me, so I could be the person HE'd invested into creating for this world. Like the story of Jonah, either I was going to do HIS will or be eaten up by my own pain and disobedience.

So, I chose Love. When I met my Patrick, I didn't think it would be him. Yet, it was God who provided him with the sustanance to feed me real food that would heal that Black Hole. I was so accustomed to men who took the Road Frequently Traveled that their words could not keep me. I was at the point where I knew the path of those who followed the rules of this society, so I desired someone who was speaking my same language. Someone who, like me, was free of the constaints of societel rules. Someone who found joy in serving others. Someone who was able to help me achieve the desires of my heart because ours are one in the same. Someone who was as fearless as I was. His Love fed me and taught me. It is through him that I am learning how to love and what love really is. Its not the things that movies and fairytales suggest, but the real things that keep you connected to GOD. I know many, even him, didn't fully understand my reasons for leaving. Even though my decision led to unforeseen events and not so good decisions on both sides, I know GOD meant if for our GoOD. As we overcame these hurdles it brought us closer. What GOD has let no man put asunder. I am grateful for the spontaneous ride with him than to have a predictable life with someone safe.

Some thought I was trying to "get with" someone else, but anyone who knows me knows that type of thinking is so low on the chakra levels that what I desired was bigger than some mortal--please. Although it may be enough for some people, Sex never kept me long. I require more and I let any man attempting to be in my world know that if he lacks the energy and intellect to communicate with me, then he'll never have me. I've noticed the more I'm connected to GOD, the less I feel the wants of the flesh. Having sex should be an act that allows the couple to connect with GOD because it should be through Love that the act is performed. If it lacks that openness, then it will be a waste of time and energy. Sex should have a purpose higher than the flesh. If we look at the act of sex as man giving information to the woman during intercourse,then what information is your man giving you? How is he feeding you, helping you to achieve your goals and dreams? If that act isn't helping you to that end, then you are having purposeless sex, which can be considered sinful and leave you feeling empty. Opposed to a man and woman having sex with a purpose and goal in mind, which will lead to glorify GOD. If you cannot make and maintain eye contact during intercourse and feel the other person's thoughts and ideas inside you, then you're having purposeless sex. A waste of energy that you could exert somewhere else. This is why in many sports, coaches advise their athletes to abstain from sex before a big game. The act deplenishes you of energy that is a waste if the act of sex lacks purpose designated by the man and woman committing the act. Reserve your energy for someone worthy of it and your time.

Now back to my thoughts.....This decision of finding me almost caused me to lose him. I fought like nobody's business because Love like this doesn't happen often. Some women thought I was stupid because of all that I had accomplished on my own, but that was it. I had accomplished what many hope to do, and it still wasn't satisfying. I had established security, which is what most people struggle to have, but I desired so much more. I had those things because I followed all the rules from the onset. My friends & family who had children before they finished their "education" were a little jaded about my decision only because they regret the decisions they made early in life. While they were cutting school, having sex, experimenting with drugs and alcohol, I was focused on what my teachers told me in elementary: "if you get an education, you can be whatever you want to be." Now, that I have what many hope to have, I am Free to truly navigate my options in life. When I finally do settle down, I would have done all that I wanted because I did it my way and no one elses.

I have grown so much in the past five years, even more in the last year. Being alone in Houston gave me time to truly think about how I will do it the next time I have the opportunity to make a choice. As an aside, I think its most important to take time out in life. Take time out of your everyday life to really analyze your decisions and path. If more people stopped chasing the proverbial carrot, and took a global or bird's eye view of their life, they would make better decisions. In retrospect, its always clearer. I can look back and see all my past decisions good and not so good. Now at 30, I'm able to do what I could have done in my 20s, but better and with more confidence because I know that I don't know anything or anyone more than I know me. Knowing and being confident in yourself and having peace with your decisions is called growing up.... and that is truly priceless.

I Don't Compete

I don’t compete. In my early twenties, I began to understand that the entire world is competing for something. Whether it is for money, love, resources, sex, attention or energy, the world influences us to compete for these things.

I recall when I realized I was considered by some as disadvantaged, at-risk, a have-not, urban youth or any other word that has been created to label minorities who lack money. I had been accepted into John P. Freeman Junior High School for academically advanced students. It was a predominantly Black school, but these Blacks did not act like me. They had more access to resources than I did; therefore, they had bigger, more expensive toys than me. We were the same, but different. I didn’t hate them, but I disliked how they tried to make their resources seem better than mine. I never openly criticized their ignorance; I just labeled them as different. Nevertheless, some of them openly berated those who were not like them. In my neighborhood, we ridiculed stupidity, not remnants of poverty. There were some things we had more control over than others, and those things beyond our control were off limits. However, everyone has a mind, so checking your verbal, wit and eventually strength was more the norm. Overall, it was a unique experience that I see as a lesson. There were people in my same city and visual Blackness, less than ten miles from my home that were different from the world I lived. I couldn’t imagine the other possibilities I would encounter throughout my life. It taught me to be true to myself, and that people communicate in various ways depending on how they were raised. What I understand now is that they merely communicated differently. Once I learned how they defined and used words, arranged sentences, posed questions and viewed life, it improved my interactions with them. Not unlike visiting a foreign country. We all have our distinct customs and traditions.

This is why we must not allow ourselves to be caught up in the rat race of life. Unless, that is what you like. Nevertheless, that life leads us to forgetting our purpose. It leads us to forgetting what we are really working towards in our lives, so what is it? What is it that we are working towards achieving in our lives? Even more so, what are we sacrificing for this dream? Is the juice worth the squeeze? Will a man sell his soul for the love of riches? Being wealthy is fine, but let us define wealth or being rich. Then, we must define the words greed or gluttony. Let our language speak truthfully. Communication is more than just words. It is the energy we emit in our body language, too. All these must be taken in consideration when communicating with someone. This is why my mother always shrugged from long telephone conversations. She found it difficult to communicate effectively without being in the person's presence. "It ain't the same," she would say, and now I begin to understand her statement.

Moreover, my contention became that I won’t compete. I’ll just be me. When I’m me, I always win. Good or bad, hard knocks or silver platters, smooth or rocky times, I can always look back and rationalize my decision making process and be accountable for my actions. I am responsible. I can decide to punish or reward myself accordingly. We are our own judges. We live our lives by our own personal rules. Therefore, if we change the rules, we change the consequences or rewards. Man may give the award (things), but the feeling of reward (blessings/what is earned) is much more satisfying. It gives your life meaning and purpose that is in line with giving glory to God. We were created to “make manifest the glory of God” (Willliamson). In the hustle and bustle of life, we forget who we are as well as whose we are. As an educator, I am bombarded with all types of questions from my students, and I, sometimes, find it difficult to remove God from my language because it is apart of whom I am. The question I hear so often is, “how do I know my purpose?” I respond simply, “Ask your Creator.” This answer usually stumps them because they don’t think about it. The answers to life’s dilemmas are simple; it’s the people and our emotions who make it difficult. For instance, if we desire to know how to operate something we either ask the person who created it or refer to the instruction manual designed by its manufacturer. We are no different. Prayers are the answer to our problems, but many lack the faith to manifest the things we desire.

This is why most humans have difficulty in forgiveness. It is because we blame ourselves. It becomes selfishness because WE cannot rationalize the "why.” Why it happened to me? Why didn’t I do this? Why didn’t it go this way? When we cannot get pass the “why,” we become trapped from our future, our blessings, our lives, our dreams. Things don’t happen like we would always like them to, but that’s where faith in ourselves to be better, do better, live better should kick into our minds. However, many humans have been trained to punish themselves after every failure or defeat. We run away, licking our wounds, feeling pity for ourselves and all the while preventing ourselves from our real dreams and destinies. Dreams change form due to our experiences, and oftentimes our “picture” of our lives isn’t the best one for us. We create a vision from media, family, friends or our imaginations. These are all fine and well, but we worry about the wrong things all the time. We worry and struggle to have what we think we should have, live or be. These prevent us from finding true happiness and peace because we "cannot" accept life. We "keep living" but we are bitter, angry, depressed, selfish and grief stricken. These feelings will not wield the true love we all seek. This leads to the question, what do we really desire? What do we really need? Is it love, security, identity, acceptance and/or purpose? If that is all we really need, then how much does that cost? Where most see chance (opportunity), how many see the cost (what you sacrifice) for the things we "want" in life.

The answers are so simple, but we get lost in translation. Words differ in meaning from country to country, state to state, province to province, city to city, borough to borough, parish to Parish, county to county, neighborhood to neighborhood, man to man, and oftentimes, house to house. So, how do we fill in these gaps? Treating our neighbor as ourselves? I guess it depends on how you show love, respect, discrimination, hate and tolerance to others. Although this seems simple, many of us forget this in a moment of passion, anger, grief or vulnerability. Either we are ruled by fear or faith. Faith in what? Faith in the person you are. It is the faith in being a human of truth and love, which equals justice, but requires tolerance and understanding. Then, when we begin to look at people we don’t judge “them,” but see ourselves. Although comparing and contrasting may seem like a thin line from judging. It’s all about the heart of the person. Is it compassion and love with which we look upon each other? Or, are we ready to be condescending because they may lack the same resources we have. The resources we have labeled as significant or important. Rather see others as being a possible teacher or student, equally different, but the same.

However, when I make decisions or make choices that were influenced by others or my perceptions of how they may view my life, I become paralyzed and fearful. I make wrong decisions. Resolutions made from fear. Those are the only wrong decisions. The ones you make from the heart are always the right ones. Even if it leads to struggle, these things help prepare us for the path ahead. They help to strengthen our faith, and to ensure our commitment for the long haul. God does not want weaklings or cowards. Courage is when we do something brave although we are afraid. If we weren’t afraid, then it wouldn’t be courage. Some people have strenght or talents that others don’t have and vice versa. For me as a child, “talking back” or disagreeing with an adult showed courage (or insanity, depending on your family), but as an adult, I don’t see the big deal in arguing with one of my peers. In other words, it’s all about perspective. Depending on your view, things may seem easy or difficult. The answer, you ask? Well, it’s quite simple. Even a baby does it; children do it, before we imprint our unwritten societal rules indelible in their brains. The answer is to trust your instincts. Trust yourself. Does it come from a place of love and goodness? Or, insecurity, loneliness and fear?

It’s odd. As a child, I had such a strong sense of identity. A confidence that I didn’t realize was uncommon until I became an adult. In this process, I began to realize that what some call luck, others call blessings and rest may refer to it as fortune or chance, I gained only by believing in myself and having some simple confidence. Yet, it was my inability to understand that confidence wasn’t simple, which made me an anomaly to others. I understood that I had a certain, let’s call it “power” for now, but I didn’t know how it happened or why people responded to it so. I just knew that certain things would be okay. I just understood that these things would happen because it was what I desired more than anything. My pureness of heart, no matter if I was a little selfish to some, came from a sense of oblivion. I was oblivious to how my actions may have affected others.

Then, there came a time that I was plagued with confusion. During my senior year of high school, I became too accustomed to getting my way. Believe it or not, I wanted to understand the life my peers led. I couldn't understand their confusion, how they made decisions, so I decided to assimilate. I was tired of being labeled as "different" or the "responsible one" among my clique of friends. I wanted to see the life they were leading for myself. With one decision, I was headed in a path that could only have brought me here to the person I am. Assimilating meant negating the "differences" that made me special and more powerful. It meant not always listening to my instincts because once I fell into their ideology or paradigm of life, I found too many areas of gray. Therefore, I made a lot of fear based decisions that changed the course of my life at times. It just saddens me when I think of the time I wasted being off track and having to find my way back to the main road. I know some of you are thinking, well that’s why we have mistakes to learn how to get it right. I totally agree, however, sometimes we stay on a wayward path beyond our due date. These are the times when God begins to through dirt in our eyes to regain our attention, our focus, our energy. Where your attention goes, your energy flows. Be careful who or what gets your attention. Then your energy will be focused on that thing or person. It can be good at times, when that person or thing helps us to be a better person. A person more connected to the source, which is God.

Let me make a caveat here. There is only one God. There may be many names, methods, languages, ways and things done or created to represent Him, but there is only one HIM. Either you are for the Good or the evil. There is very little gray matter here. God is Love, Goodness and Justice. HE is the creator of everything, but lives in the ideas and feelings that do not derive from fear. What is fear? Fear are the intangible (mental/spiritual) things that hold you back from what your heart desires. Things like insecurity, loneliness, hate, jealousy, pride, lust, laziness, greed, anger, depression and selfishness. Those things come from fear. It is a fear of the unknown. Those who are fearful, tend to compete. Sometimes, it is a simple fear of losing, rather having the perspective of learning from the feelings of defeat and arising again anew. If defeat is set in your heart, then how can you win? A righteous man fall seven times, and rises eight. Now, these numbers represent concepts: seven is completion, and eight is new beginnings, or infinity. We must change our perspective and take a bird’s eye view. A Godly view of life changes everything.

In Time...(you'll see)

Im not afraid of you
I don’t even see you
How dare you...?
Are you aware how you...?
Do you even know who you are?
Cause I do
Im not afraid of you
Been running from demons
Long before you came on the scene
The devil has spoken with me
And every time he tried
He still ain’t got with me
I use to run from him
But now I just sit and stare
Running wastes time and energy
I know who he is
we’ve danced this 4/4 waltz before
Before I knew who I was
Before I realized why he was
Always chasing me
So I stopped running
In Time,
I gained and learned and stored
my defense leans in knowing
and identifing who he is--- in
Facing fear has empowered me
I don’t see him but me
And all the things that would slay me
If they could get inside me
So I’m not afraid of--- you
How dare you.....
Assume that your mortal presence
Would send me hurling?
I’ve seen spirits and ghosts and demons
And angels with these large brown eyes
And even my third eye aint blind
Its just that my mouth aint always kind
And I try to speak life not death to those
Who ain’t ready for the Divine
Power that I emit with my mind
Like a muscle I exercise it with
discipline

Focusing on the GoOD Godly things
That keep me way above this B.S. you deal with
So hard to stay the course
So hard to be soft and feminine
So hard to stay in this role that GOD has chosen for me
When I just want to show you
I aint scared of you
But what would that prove
While walking away seems more to suit
Your meaningless regurgitations of things you
Know nothing about
Using words not knowing their true origin
To confuse people in believing you know a thing or two
When I’ll tell you I don’t know sh*t
About that bullsh*t
But I do know,
I aint afraid of you
I’ve been dying for you to step to me
But I know a fair fight could never begin
So I wait
I wait
My scorpion tendencies want to kill
But my higher self sees that
It would only lend you fame
Cause you made me kill
Am I that ill?
My emotions I can distill
Until the time comes
Where I won’t be still
I feel the future
And your energy aint there
So I don’t care what you do now
Cause I am not afraid of you
I know you
Seen your moves in slow motion
Towards your final destination
The evil one told me your secrets
Your fears
Cause he knows that i could
Deal fatal blows
With hate
But I love
Love kept me here
Love conquers fear
It’s the sacrifice
Many of us fear
So I carry Love with me
Inside of me
Like a child, she’s evolving with me
About 8 or 9
She ready for perfection
Age 10= 1
Cause it all starts with me
So do you really want to
Verbally spar with me?
A master of words only
Because I know there are no rules
With this language
I go back to latin
If it, non sequiter
then, mea culpa
My French will ferme la bouche
Until your Spanish asks que pasa?
I speak shalom to my Hebrew friends...

Now I lend my ear to
Hear you
Preach and mumble
Bout what you know
But you don’t feel it
the person who desires it the most
gets it
Why won't you forget it?
your lack of passion
has already forfeited this mission
So what you gone do?
Now that we’ve cleared the air
You still aint crossed this line
You drew in the sand
I don’t desire to fight you
But I aint afraid to cross it
For my loss
It would be worth the cost
to bear the cross
And wear the marks of a woman scorned
But not beaten or battered
nor will I be bitter

See, I’ve done that before;
So my soul chooses to sleep like bears
While I hibernate through another cold winter...

Finding Your Voice

Recently, I was asked, "why don't you say the pledge of allegiance?" And I replied with the same answer, albeit a bit more sophisticated, that I gave to my sixth grade teacher, "Until this country lives up to the meaning of its creed, I cannot pledge my allegiance to an entity that has no faith/trust in its people, and treats us as second class citizens."

These words were repeated from the mouths of my role models, my mentors, who were my Godmother, two sisters and brother. My Godmother was a revolutionary herself, but in a very refined feminine way. Her style was more Martin L. King, Jr., so her motto would be, "you catch more flies with honey than with vinegar," and now I understand that method as I am rearing my 30s. However at age ten, I felt a kinship to the style of Malcolm X, so wearing my black, red and green bracelet like my sisters seemed more empowering. My siblings, who were all in college at the time, were more forthright in their ideas and beliefs. Now, as their eager protégé, I began to be interested in the same things they were. I did what most young people do--emulate the people of their time or environment. Luckily, my environment consisted of political debate, religious discussions and a constant reminder that I came from a legacy of leaders, agitators, truth-seekers and people who stand for what they believe. Like a sponge, I soaked up their ideas, beliefs and dreams into my own. I began to read books such as, Black Like Me, The Holy Bible, The MisEducation of the Negro, Isis Papers, etc., and although I didn't know all the words, reading them with my role models helped me to feel the meaning of the words. Involuntarily, my path had begun, a purpose was planted in my heart, and although I didn't know it then, I had begun to form my own voice. I was building a belief structure, and I wanted my actions/behavior to mirror the things I had the audacity to speak into existence.

Admittedly, my 10-year old mind didn't understand the magnanimity of my words or actions, but I did know that I meant what I said, and that feeling of purpose has followed me since.
Now, you're probably wondering what were the effects of my little display of civil disobedience, huh? Well, it wasn't done haphazardly. My then-best-friend and I planned to remain seated when the school announcement for the pledge came on the intercom that morning in 1990 at Coro Lake Elem. So, first thing that morning we prepared for whatever happened. I informed my sisters of my plan and they were 100% supportive. So armed with confidence, we remained seated while my classmates followed orders and stood for the pledge. I guess, somebody didn't tell one of my classmates that snitching was a "no-no", and he called us out. Immediately, my then-best-friend stood up to blend in with the other students. I was surprised that she left me hanging, but I stood or sat firmly on my beliefs. When the teacher told me to stand, I refused. I was shaking. I was nervous. I was alone in this, but I couldn't turn back now because all eyes were on me. She asked me again, I was silent and remained seated. When the pledge ended, she came and stood right in front of my desk and questioned my reasons for not following her orders. I remember looking her straight in the eyes, not breaking the stare, not raising my voice and definitely not moving out of that desk. I wanted her to know that this was important to me, that this was something I had to do for me because this belief was apart of me. Threatened by my independence, she threatened to send me to the office, to call my parents. I replied, by simply being still waiting for her to do what she felt she had to do because I, too, was doing what I felt I had to do.

When that threat of consequence didn't work, she asked me to step in the hallway. After a moment to regain the feeling in my legs, I followed her into the hallway. She told me that she didn't want to "write me up" because I was one of her best students. She couldn't understand why I wouldn't just do it. Once she realized that she wasn't able to change my mind, she told me that if I insisted on not pledging to the flag, I would have to sit in the hallway every morning. This may not sound like much punishment, but this was elementary school, and the time before the pledge was the opportunity to talk and congregate with my friends before class started. Also, "bad" students sat in the hallway. It wasn't the type of recognition I was accustomed to receiving, but this was the sacrifice or the consequence for my act of civil disobedience.

Of course, they contacted my house only to reach my sister who came to the school and supported me. I was blessed to say the least, but it was a pivotal moment for me. My classmates looked at me differently. The little boys didn't tease me as much after that because for all their "disobedience" they never stood up to a teacher and "got away with it." I don't know if "I got away with it" because I was given the choice to assimilate or sit in the hallway during the pledge each morning. I chose the latter, and every morning between 8am and 8:15 that's where you'd find me. And my Judas then-best-friend decided later to join me in the hallway every morning after the initial "showdown." lol.
And because I was her friend, I forgave her. It was lonely being a revolutionary at age ten.

Although no one else joined us consistently, I remember once or twice when a another student refused and joined us just to "see" or came to school late to "see" what was happening in the hallway. The movement didn't go as swiftly as I had planned, but I was an army of one, then two and sometimes three or four. Regardless, I realized then that it only takes one person to take a stand before others to follow. No matter where I was or what program we attended, I never acknowledged the pledge or the flag. From distasteful looks at ballgames or school functions, I remained true to my beliefs, and could defend them verbally if necessary.

This is the story I tell my students at the beginning of the school year to introduce my lesson on "Finding Your Voice." I began to find my voice at age ten and I challenge them to find theirs or tell the story of when they found their voice, when they decided to stand for something that defined them. This is where character begins and ends--in the actions you display and the truth you do or do not speak. Words are great tools, but are useless without action. So what are we servant leaders or followers? A person of faith or doubt? Confident or ashamed? Full of love or fear? Whatever it is, what makes you, you? Yet, at the same time, I stress that there are consequences or effects to every thing, and be smart and prepared for what comes because "knowing who you are" is not a spectator sport or a game. So when the feet hit the pavement, where will you be? For what belief will you be willing to take a stand, and simultaneously, the great fall to servant leadership?