Okay, let me start by saying, I was totally unprepared for this first trimester business. Now, of course, I did my research and many mothers told me that the first trimester would be the most challenging, but I was not ready for this! I tend to be a positive person, very task/goal oriented and tenacious to a fault, but this is one challenge that I have completely no control. And suffice to say, I do not like it at all! I feel miserable 80% of the time and that statistic could be slanted, but not in my favor. I truly feel as if my life for the moment has been placed on hold. My body is not my own; I am simply a vessel being forced to carry cargo that I cannot unload for another 6 months. Another analogy, and I'm sure one that many will find quite unsettling, I feel like its a parasite thats feeding off me, its host, which in essence, it is although I have been encouraged to not speak that--so I haven't, but I have to at least write it.
They call it "Morning Sickness" but I must disagree because this "sickness" comes at any time of the day, and anything can trigger it---food, scents, odors, a thought, movement--anything! I know when its about to hit me, too. There is this overwhelming warmth or heat that overtakes my body. I feel flushed. It's a hot flash to make it blunt. Then, there's this unsettling feeling at the pit of my stomach and a burning sensation where my womb is. This gives me at least 60 seconds to propel myself to the bathroom before this "sickness" leaves my body. To add insult to injury, there are times where I will gag and nothing will surface. That is the most frustrating feeling of all. I'd rather get the whole thing over with and feel better, but no it couldn't be that simple. I tend to linger in the bathroom until the heat flash, burning sensation and unsettling feeling in the pit of my stomach subsides. Sometimes it does and sometimes it doesn't, so sitting on the bathroom floor becomes my fate. Yes, I could leave, but there's the chance that I won't make it back to the bathroom in time for the real "sickness" to surface.
The biggest thing of all is scents and odors. Almost every scent or odor has an effect on me. My husband, my poor husband, gets this the worst. I almost feel sorry for him, but this is all kinda his fault, well at LEAST 50% and I mean at the least. All the scents that I "dealt" with but was never quite fond of are now the bain of my existence. His vacant shoes strewn across the floor, socks, work clothes, which all have the quintessential "man" odor to them absolutely drive me crazy! He smokes, so anyone who has been around a smoker understands how that odor just permeates every orifice of that person's body. I love him, but it drives me crazy to be around him. I have no way of saying that nicely only the truth will do. Where once his scent, his manly scent that I once adored, settled me, I cannot stand it! I feel sorry for him, but then again my hormones make me feel like its his fault. Shoot, I have to change, my whole body has to change, so why can't he?! But for most smokers that is how they relax or decompress, so I guess with my mood swings he kinda needs that outlet more than ever. Nevertheless, we cannot be in the same space for long unless he is fresh from the shower and has just brushed his teeth. The smell of hot cooking oil, anything frying, dirt, dust, peppermint, must, mildew, some deodorants, strong perfumes---they all push me to the limit of a mood swing or vomitting.
I am/was not prepared for the process of motherhood via pregnancy. If you haven't gone through this, then count yourself as lucky and/or blessed. And for those who have yet to become pregnant, please do not offer any advice because it only frustrates me that you would have the nerve to speak on the subject or offer humor to my experience. Just know that under my breath, I am probably secretly cursing you for your gumption. This is my formal apology to all mothers or those who have been through this cursed "first trimester" experience. I have a whole new profound respect for mothers. Not that I didn't before because many of my friends and siblings have had their share of pregnancy trials and I was there to witness it. Which is why it has taken me this long to decide to become a mother. For those who know me, I always said, I do not want to HAVE a baby. Not that I didn't want to be a mother, I just was never excited about the process that led to motherhood. I held on to the childhood notion that the stork actually delivered the child miraculously to the mother's doorstep. I only wish that was true. However, that vision was crushed when I was in the eighth grade. I remember my health teacher at John P. Freeman Junior High school showed us a video of a woman giving birth. Why?! Scared straight prevention, I guess. Well, it worked on me! I decided at that moment that I did not want to endure such pain. However, as I have gotten older, I see my friends and their children and cannot deny that motherly instinct that tugged at my heart. It just took me this long to come to terms in my mind that I was ready to endure what I saw in that eighth grade Health class. Love can make you change in ways that I never imagined, which only reminds me that I must truly love my husband or I would never have chosen to flip that switch in my mind and agree to carry his/our child. Many would argue that its not really a choice, or that "its in the LORD's hands." Well, that may be, but lets just say my personal relationship with the LORD, my GOD, my Jesus was a more realistic and honest one. We speak all the time and quite openly. When I mean I was against getting pregnant, I took all precautions, even to the most efficient method---abstinence. As I stated earlier, I am a task/goal oriented person and tenacious to that end. I only listen to sound advice from people I admire and desire to emulate or who I feel have the credibility of a situation to offer sound advice.
Overall, it is getting better. I am in my eleventh week and almost at the end of this cursed "first trimester." I discovered I was pregnant at 6 weeks. I did not began to have these horrible feelings until week 8. And from that point on I remember crying almost everyday. I have become a big baby and I hate it! I hate to show weakness although many tell me that its not a sign of weakness, but being human. I know, I know, but it has humbled me and I believe that is the lesson. Mutual life experiences only make us more human, more connected, more humble and closer to GOD. Similar to experiencing the death of a loved one, it made me more sympathetic and understanding to those who endure that same pain. There is nothing like it. You cannot phathom that pain and loss until you have truly endured it, and I, too, have become a member of another club. The motherhood club--those of the cursed "first trimester" club. And ladies, we will endure, we will survive and not just survive but prevail. Why? Because we are not the first nor the last, and that brings me comfort to know that even the midst of my trials when I think I am alone--I am not. I am blessed to have a loving husband who rubs my back, tummy and feet when his scent isn't too strong, a mother and sister who cater to me when I call crying that "I can't do this!" and friends, GoOD friends who call/text and check on me when the notion hits them....and believe me it is always right on time. I AM blessed, and more so that this first trimester is almost finished. :)
They call it "Morning Sickness" but I must disagree because this "sickness" comes at any time of the day, and anything can trigger it---food, scents, odors, a thought, movement--anything! I know when its about to hit me, too. There is this overwhelming warmth or heat that overtakes my body. I feel flushed. It's a hot flash to make it blunt. Then, there's this unsettling feeling at the pit of my stomach and a burning sensation where my womb is. This gives me at least 60 seconds to propel myself to the bathroom before this "sickness" leaves my body. To add insult to injury, there are times where I will gag and nothing will surface. That is the most frustrating feeling of all. I'd rather get the whole thing over with and feel better, but no it couldn't be that simple. I tend to linger in the bathroom until the heat flash, burning sensation and unsettling feeling in the pit of my stomach subsides. Sometimes it does and sometimes it doesn't, so sitting on the bathroom floor becomes my fate. Yes, I could leave, but there's the chance that I won't make it back to the bathroom in time for the real "sickness" to surface.
The biggest thing of all is scents and odors. Almost every scent or odor has an effect on me. My husband, my poor husband, gets this the worst. I almost feel sorry for him, but this is all kinda his fault, well at LEAST 50% and I mean at the least. All the scents that I "dealt" with but was never quite fond of are now the bain of my existence. His vacant shoes strewn across the floor, socks, work clothes, which all have the quintessential "man" odor to them absolutely drive me crazy! He smokes, so anyone who has been around a smoker understands how that odor just permeates every orifice of that person's body. I love him, but it drives me crazy to be around him. I have no way of saying that nicely only the truth will do. Where once his scent, his manly scent that I once adored, settled me, I cannot stand it! I feel sorry for him, but then again my hormones make me feel like its his fault. Shoot, I have to change, my whole body has to change, so why can't he?! But for most smokers that is how they relax or decompress, so I guess with my mood swings he kinda needs that outlet more than ever. Nevertheless, we cannot be in the same space for long unless he is fresh from the shower and has just brushed his teeth. The smell of hot cooking oil, anything frying, dirt, dust, peppermint, must, mildew, some deodorants, strong perfumes---they all push me to the limit of a mood swing or vomitting.
I am/was not prepared for the process of motherhood via pregnancy. If you haven't gone through this, then count yourself as lucky and/or blessed. And for those who have yet to become pregnant, please do not offer any advice because it only frustrates me that you would have the nerve to speak on the subject or offer humor to my experience. Just know that under my breath, I am probably secretly cursing you for your gumption. This is my formal apology to all mothers or those who have been through this cursed "first trimester" experience. I have a whole new profound respect for mothers. Not that I didn't before because many of my friends and siblings have had their share of pregnancy trials and I was there to witness it. Which is why it has taken me this long to decide to become a mother. For those who know me, I always said, I do not want to HAVE a baby. Not that I didn't want to be a mother, I just was never excited about the process that led to motherhood. I held on to the childhood notion that the stork actually delivered the child miraculously to the mother's doorstep. I only wish that was true. However, that vision was crushed when I was in the eighth grade. I remember my health teacher at John P. Freeman Junior High school showed us a video of a woman giving birth. Why?! Scared straight prevention, I guess. Well, it worked on me! I decided at that moment that I did not want to endure such pain. However, as I have gotten older, I see my friends and their children and cannot deny that motherly instinct that tugged at my heart. It just took me this long to come to terms in my mind that I was ready to endure what I saw in that eighth grade Health class. Love can make you change in ways that I never imagined, which only reminds me that I must truly love my husband or I would never have chosen to flip that switch in my mind and agree to carry his/our child. Many would argue that its not really a choice, or that "its in the LORD's hands." Well, that may be, but lets just say my personal relationship with the LORD, my GOD, my Jesus was a more realistic and honest one. We speak all the time and quite openly. When I mean I was against getting pregnant, I took all precautions, even to the most efficient method---abstinence. As I stated earlier, I am a task/goal oriented person and tenacious to that end. I only listen to sound advice from people I admire and desire to emulate or who I feel have the credibility of a situation to offer sound advice.
Overall, it is getting better. I am in my eleventh week and almost at the end of this cursed "first trimester." I discovered I was pregnant at 6 weeks. I did not began to have these horrible feelings until week 8. And from that point on I remember crying almost everyday. I have become a big baby and I hate it! I hate to show weakness although many tell me that its not a sign of weakness, but being human. I know, I know, but it has humbled me and I believe that is the lesson. Mutual life experiences only make us more human, more connected, more humble and closer to GOD. Similar to experiencing the death of a loved one, it made me more sympathetic and understanding to those who endure that same pain. There is nothing like it. You cannot phathom that pain and loss until you have truly endured it, and I, too, have become a member of another club. The motherhood club--those of the cursed "first trimester" club. And ladies, we will endure, we will survive and not just survive but prevail. Why? Because we are not the first nor the last, and that brings me comfort to know that even the midst of my trials when I think I am alone--I am not. I am blessed to have a loving husband who rubs my back, tummy and feet when his scent isn't too strong, a mother and sister who cater to me when I call crying that "I can't do this!" and friends, GoOD friends who call/text and check on me when the notion hits them....and believe me it is always right on time. I AM blessed, and more so that this first trimester is almost finished. :)
2 comments:
I do hope it gets better for you. Motherhood is a big change - physically (wait till after you have the baby and see how your body continues to change), emotionally, spiritually and more! Some days you will love and some days you will wish you were still single and carefree! But once you hold them for the first time, hear the words Mommy or feel that hug around your legs, all the pain endured will be worth it.
Thanks Kim.
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