Just Another Day

Another day, another move….another change of scenery…why is it that people who actually think for themselves are persecuted? Is it because they deviate from the norm? Or is it because the majority of people don’t think themselves and find it unsettling to receive dissension among their peers? Why are we afraid of healthy debate? Is it because of the money we so desperately cling to? Or are we just plain ole’ afraid? In history, we discover a number of leaders who had progressive thoughts or ideas and what was their fate? It is usually some strange punishment, excommunication, defamation of character or in the worse case, death. It is these stories that place fear into the hearts of many including parents to train their children to “not rock the boat.” However, it is those who were brave enough to “rock the boat” that we even have the few freedoms we have today.

As a lover of history and avid reader and patriot, I find it difficult to believe that many so-called Americans do not know their history. American history is usually taught at the eighth and eleventh grade levels. I remember the forefathers of this once great country were considered to be traitors, committing treason against the monarchy of England, who at that time “owned” what we now call America. If they (Washington, Franklin, Hamilton, etc) were caught the punishment was death. Now, we have censors and corporations with high paid lawyers, who punish those with a dissenting voice with layoffs, demotions or termination. When did, we the people allow these corporations to gain so much control of our lives. Why do politicians allow these corporations to persuade or lobby them into submission? Why is this once great country allowing banks, corporations, politicians and the like to decide for the people? I guess my question should be why are the people allowing these things to happen to us? Are we afraid to stand up and speak? Are we still acting like apostle Peter and denying what we know to be true? Are we that afraid to speak the truth? Is the truth a disease? (sigh)

I am disheartened by the answers to these questions because deep down I know the answer. Poverty. It is not just poverty of the financial kind, but it is poverty of spirit. Most people still do not realize the true value of education. Now, I’m not speaking of the watered down incorporated version given to us in our educational systems. I mean the type of education one receives by asking questions, researching and reading for themselves. Rather than excerpts from hybrid textbooks made to piece together small facts here and there to create a tapestry of idiosyncrasies designed to keep us disassociated or rather disconnected from mankind. Anything that attempts to disconnect humans is not real. It is all about the connection that gives us strength. Standardized tests, ranking, hierarchies, class, race are all things that we use to disconnect. My heart longs to find minds that are open, sharp, bright and willing to know and unafraid to speak and/or stand on what is right. Instead I discover more fearful human beings who must be coddled, bribed, kissed up to in order for them to feel they have any power or sustenance. These people who lack any backbone and continue passing the blame or their “work” to the next. Passing blame is not a sign of leadership rather it is a sign of cowardice. Some call it delegation, but it isn’t delegation if you are not willing to take responsibility for it.

Maybe I’m rambling, but I am weary of the game. This game that we are taught to play in order to “make it” in this world—this “rat race.” And why would we accept the symbol of a rat, anyway? Whose world is this anyway? It is becoming more difficult to sustain character in a world where promiscuous women and men who flash cash and nice cars with no moral fiber become role models for our youth and lying politicians get accolades for a job well done if it saves corporations money. The concern for the common man/woman is fleeting and the common man is so focused on getting the attention of the “king” or the wealthy elite that he/she is losing their common ground, which is their power. In a world where 1% of the population accumulates 96% percent of the wealth…which is gained from the sweat of the common man it is no wonder why we fail to see the forest for the trees. Until we stop comparing ourselves with the images on the television screen, the so-called wealthy or whoever has our attention so much that we fail to see that we, the people are the power. "People should not be afraid of their governments, governments should be afraid of the People."

Nevertheless, when we, the people, allow the corporations to control the governments and trust them to make policies and laws and educational systems to control and/or govern us, then the battle has been slanted in their favor. It is sad to think that my once hopeful spirit that lingered on the preamble of the constitution, when I had to memorize it in the eighth grade, now sees no reflection of it in the world around me. Was it just rhetoric for the masses? My childish enthusiasm, which I am so desperately trying to hold on to, is beginning to fade when I realize that although many agree in secret, I find myself standing to fight alone. This has happened one too many times, as I’m sure it happened to many of the “thinkers”or leaders of the past. It only reminds me that I am in good company and when I do pass from this world, I will be a stronger force/spirit to be reckoned with as I will join that company on the other side. Where many fear death, I am reminded that it is only a part of life and there my journey will only be just begun. Man hath no fury like a Woe Man scorned….til death do we part and my spirit is free….then, the revolution will begin. However, until then, this is just another day.

The First Trimester

Okay, let me start by saying, I was totally unprepared for this first trimester business. Now, of course, I did my research and many mothers told me that the first trimester would be the most challenging, but I was not ready for this! I tend to be a positive person, very task/goal oriented and tenacious to a fault, but this is one challenge that I have completely no control. And suffice to say, I do not like it at all! I feel miserable 80% of the time and that statistic could be slanted, but not in my favor. I truly feel as if my life for the moment has been placed on hold. My body is not my own; I am simply a vessel being forced to carry cargo that I cannot unload for another 6 months. Another analogy, and I'm sure one that many will find quite unsettling, I feel like its a parasite thats feeding off me, its host, which in essence, it is although I have been encouraged to not speak that--so I haven't, but I have to at least write it.

They call it "Morning Sickness" but I must disagree because this "sickness" comes at any time of the day, and anything can trigger it---food, scents, odors, a thought, movement--anything! I know when its about to hit me, too. There is this overwhelming warmth or heat that overtakes my body. I feel flushed. It's a hot flash to make it blunt. Then, there's this unsettling feeling at the pit of my stomach and a burning sensation where my womb is. This gives me at least 60 seconds to propel myself to the bathroom before this "sickness" leaves my body. To add insult to injury, there are times where I will gag and nothing will surface. That is the most frustrating feeling of all. I'd rather get the whole thing over with and feel better, but no it couldn't be that simple. I tend to linger in the bathroom until the heat flash, burning sensation and unsettling feeling in the pit of my stomach subsides. Sometimes it does and sometimes it doesn't, so sitting on the bathroom floor becomes my fate. Yes, I could leave, but there's the chance that I won't make it back to the bathroom in time for the real "sickness" to surface.

The biggest thing of all is scents and odors. Almost every scent or odor has an effect on me. My husband, my poor husband, gets this the worst. I almost feel sorry for him, but this is all kinda his fault, well at LEAST 50% and I mean at the least. All the scents that I "dealt" with but was never quite fond of are now the bain of my existence. His vacant shoes strewn across the floor, socks, work clothes, which all have the quintessential "man" odor to them absolutely drive me crazy! He smokes, so anyone who has been around a smoker understands how that odor just permeates every orifice of that person's body. I love him, but it drives me crazy to be around him.  I have no way of saying that nicely only the truth will do. Where once his scent, his manly scent that I once adored, settled me, I cannot stand it! I feel sorry for him, but then again my hormones make me feel like its his fault. Shoot, I have to change, my whole body has to change, so why can't he?! But for most smokers that is how they relax or decompress, so I guess with my mood swings he kinda needs that outlet more than ever. Nevertheless, we cannot be in the same space for long unless he is fresh from the shower and has just brushed his teeth. The smell of hot cooking oil, anything frying, dirt, dust, peppermint, must, mildew, some deodorants, strong perfumes---they all push me to the limit of a mood swing or vomitting.

I am/was not prepared for the process of motherhood via pregnancy. If you haven't gone through this, then count yourself as lucky and/or blessed. And for those who have yet to become pregnant, please do not offer any advice because it only frustrates me that you would have the nerve to speak on the subject or offer humor to my experience. Just know that under my breath, I am probably secretly cursing you for your gumption. This is my formal apology to all mothers or those who have been through this cursed "first trimester" experience. I have a whole new profound respect for mothers. Not that I didn't before because many of my friends and siblings have had their share of pregnancy trials and I was there to witness it. Which is why it has taken me this long to decide to become a mother. For those who know me, I always said, I do not want to HAVE a baby. Not that I didn't want to be a mother, I just was never excited about the process that led to motherhood. I held on to the childhood notion that the stork actually delivered the child miraculously to the mother's doorstep. I only wish that was true. However, that vision was crushed when I was in the eighth grade. I remember my health teacher at John P. Freeman Junior High school showed us a video of a woman giving birth. Why?! Scared straight prevention, I guess. Well, it worked on me! I decided at that moment that I did not want to endure such pain. However, as I have gotten older, I see my friends and their children and cannot deny that motherly instinct that tugged at my heart. It just took me this long to come to terms in my mind that I was ready to endure what I saw in that eighth grade Health class. Love can make you change in ways that I never imagined, which only reminds me that I must truly love my husband or I would never have chosen to flip that switch in my mind and agree to carry his/our child. Many would argue that its not really a choice, or that "its in the LORD's hands." Well, that may be, but lets just say my personal relationship with the LORD, my GOD, my Jesus was a more realistic and honest one. We speak all the time and quite openly. When I mean I was against getting pregnant, I took all precautions, even to the most efficient method---abstinence. As I stated earlier, I am a task/goal oriented person and tenacious to that end. I only listen to sound advice from people I admire and desire to emulate or who I feel have the credibility of a situation to offer sound advice.

Overall, it is getting better. I am in my eleventh week and almost at the end of this cursed "first trimester." I discovered I was pregnant at 6 weeks. I did not began to have these horrible feelings until week 8. And from that point on I remember crying almost everyday. I have become a big baby and I hate it! I hate to show weakness although many tell me that its not a sign of weakness, but being human. I know, I know, but it has humbled me and I believe that is the lesson. Mutual life experiences only make us more human, more connected, more humble and closer to GOD. Similar to experiencing the death of a loved one, it made me more sympathetic and understanding to those who endure that same pain. There is nothing like it. You cannot phathom that pain and loss until you have truly endured it, and I, too, have become a member of another club. The motherhood club--those of the cursed "first trimester" club. And ladies, we will endure, we will survive and not just survive but prevail. Why? Because we are not the first nor the last, and that brings me comfort to know that even the midst of my trials when I think I am alone--I am not. I am blessed to have a loving husband who rubs my back, tummy and feet when his scent isn't too strong, a mother and sister who cater to me when I call crying that "I can't do this!" and friends, GoOD friends who call/text and check on me when the notion hits them....and believe me it is always right on time. I AM blessed, and more so that this first trimester is almost finished. :)